Hey BlackWigger, it sounds like you are in a really bad place right now. When things feel as bad as they do for you, it colors your view of both the past and the future. Everything looks terrible and pointless-- not only that, you are convinced that it always has and always will. Please don't do anything you can't take back when you feel like this. If you can get out of this pit you can see things a little more accurately, so your 'job' at this point is to find a way out. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Try to get out and laugh, find gratitude for what is okay in your life, find friends or family members who can help you. And don't hesitate to see a professional.
I bet most of the responses you will get will just piss you off-- "go out, be happy! Why are you so sad, it's silly! Just be free and full of mimsy!" They sound minimizing and, frankly, stupid to you because turning your world around seems so foreign to you that you can hardly imagine it; these ideas almost sound like what an idiot who hasn't realized what you have about the world would say. My advice is to give yourself time and try to make slow changes to start the healing process. I wish you well with it.
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