I hear your pain. I understand that life seems intollerable to you right now. I understand that you don't like living your life.
I very strongly suggest you get some professional help as soon as you can. Someone you can talk to who understands and can help with what you are going through. Having repeated suicidal thoughts needs to be addressed now. You don't have to go through this alone. In fact, I very much advise that you reach out for help.
Take each step as it comes to rebuild your life. Change can happen quicker than you think. You need a two pronged approach.
1. An inward approach. Understand where these thoughts come from and learn how to deal with them. Probably no more than a few of hours a week of focused work.
2. An outward approach, were you start moving and doing regardless of the thoughts that get you down. Anything that gets you outside, moving your body and focusing on something outside of yourself to give you a break.
It really does work.
(and if you think I don't know what I'm talking about - I really do understand. I'm 34 now, and 20 years ago I woke up in hospital after a suicide attempt. I really didn't want to exist anymore at that time and I thought the world would be better off without me. Like you, I thought I was flawed and that I couldn't change. I was so wrong about that.
I'm grateful every day that I was given a second chance and that I was able to rebuild my life. It wasn't easy, but you can build the life you want - promise).