[TiffyLove]

I don't know what to think and am probably going to regret posting at a deeply emotional and ego state. But I am hurt and I am tired of it.

I feel like as soon as I feel confident and happy about something, the universe has to challenge me on it. As soon as I am ready to let go of something, the universe throws me a rope to bring me back to faith. Will it make up its f*cken mind!

Why the back and forth, it doesn't make sense.

I just want the pain and confusion to stop. Why can't at least SOME things work out. Why is everything I ever want resisted. The second I want something I know I am not going to get it, you know why? Because I want it.

What a way to live this game of life.

I know all this sounds like such self pity, pure victim role. I see it clearly, I know what I am feeling, its all ego it doesn't change what I am feeling. I am not new to personal development and spirituality, just all the more reason to feel more pathetic and upset with myself for allowing myself to feel this way.

Why can't some things just work? Why is it so hard, why do I have to be challenged 24-7, I am tired, I am so tired.

I just don't understand. I am a good person, my intention is to be the best person I can be, to help others and to live from my heart. I do everything in my power to improve my life, to connect more with my higher self, to live in the now. I am not perfect but I do my best to be a great person.

Yet my life is a constant struggle. To be honest, If I didn't have my son, I would just give up. I would never take my own life because I am too compassionate and care how that would effect my family, plus I can't seem to let go of hope that there is more to life than this. But I would just stop trying. He is what keeps me moving forward, striving for better.

Yet everyone always "bails" on me, no one sticks around, everyone gives up on me, I am the honest one, I am the committed one. With work I am the one that always does my best and behaves with integrity but yet is the one thats criticized.

I learned it all before, love myself, don't need recognition, etc.. It hasn't made it better, it the midst of it, it still hurts.


I'll probably feel different tomorrow and got my head screwed back on straight but right now I really don't know what else to do.

Its my thoughts that do this to me. One thing goes wrong or sparks a fear and I feel like my entire life is being unthreaded. My sense of security must be screwed up.

I mean surprises in my life have always been negative in the past, slaps in the face, life changing traumatic ♥♥♥♥♥. When is there pleasant surprises? Good stuff. When does the good stuff just happen? Or am I just NOT one of those people and it just isn't possible with me. I try to convince myself its possible, especially with LOA, etc.. But h*ll, I was dealt some sh*tty cards to begin with if I can't even get past my limiting beliefs preventing LOA, its never going to work anyways.

Is there actually hope or should I just give up the idea that life could ever be easy at least sometimes for me and learn to accept that this is what I signed up for. I know this sounds like a question where I am looking for pity or reassurance, let me tell you I am not. I am tired of holding on to hope, or is it time to just give myself a reality check that life is hard no matter what you do.

I feel like ♥♥♥♥♥ and it makes it worse as I get more upset that as much as I know I can't get myself to "snap" out of it.

I just thought it was time in my life where things would FINALLY start working out, I really felt on the verge of breaking through to some amazing things happening in my life. Who am I kidding, If I am creating this reality.... things are far from creating my "preferable" circumstances.

I'm tired.