I am new here, so I hope it is okay that I just jump in. I have had similar issues with my father. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I thinkmy father wrote off several aspects of my life on the theory that my mother would handle it. I also thinkhe has very different expectations of what constitutes our relationship. He knows I feel that he treats his other children with his second wife differently, and that I resent that. But he has been able to dismiss these concerns by persuading himself that I am "too sensitive" and that it is his job as my father not to "humour" me when I am being irrational. It is very frustrating. Just today, I called him after not hearing from him for three weeks, and he said 'oh, I was wondering what happened to you and when you would call.' I pointed out that he could have called ME also, and he laughed and was all well, which comes first, the chicken or the egg. What has helped me gains ome perspective on things:
1) Understanding where he has come from. I truly think most parents do try their best. It's just that he has different needs/expectations/values. I once got really hurt when he took his other kids out for someone's birthday and didn't invite me. I was mostly raised with my mom's close family, and the idea that you would do something like celebrate a birthday and invite some people but not others would be unthinkable. But his family is very dysfunctional, and that sort of thing happens all the time. So to him, inviting only certain people is normal and not something people even think about. Realizing that he does not behave hurtfully on purpose made me a little more at peace.
2) Stop comparing. I drove myself nuts by comparing what I felt the other kids got in terms of time/money/effort versus what I got. I drove myself nuts comparing the way my mother treated me versus the way he treated me. Finally, I had to realize that a) he has raised his other kids to expect less and demand less, so their needs are easier to satisfy and they feel satisfied with what I consider to be a very superficial type of relationship and b) my mother does focus more time and attention on em than he does. But rather than futiley trying to demand the same attention from him, it is better to just focus on being grateful for having my mother. In fact, I told her that I was grateful and I wanted to be a better daughter to her and do more. She said she did not need me to 'do' anything, but I know it meant something to her that I expressed that and that I asked. I feel very close to her right now and am lucky to have her in my life.
3) Take money off the table. That can be hard when you are young and poor, but if you can find a way to get a loan, part-time job or some other means of support, I bet it would really lower your stress level. Is he paying for stuff with my half-sister that he didn't pay for with me? Yes. Will she get a cushy graduation present while I got nothing? Yes, and that still does hurt a little. But he is NOT going to do that for me at this point. I can't make him do it. And I have found where my father is concerned that when I expect less, I give him fewer openings to disappoint me, so anything nice he does is just a bonus.
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