[cylon]

Confusing, jumbled thoughts to follow, I am seeking accepting, good natured insight.

Having experienced many things regarding IM, I am led to believe there is something happening here. On one hand, I have no problem with the idea that we are all connected, we are the Universe. If the universe is all there is, clearly you and I are the same. Now subjective reality, and IM, can explain better this sense of "oneness", and I am enjoying it. It seems to tie in closely to the tao, in my mind, which is a philosophy I have been more and more interested in during the last few years.

I write this post because this is sort of a turning point for me: having been raised a Christian, gods and demons and spirits and all that stuff, had a big impact on me. I was afraid of this world my family had introduced me to, where I was the helpless puppet of a benevolent father who loved me (as long as I followed the arbitrary rules... rules that seemed to reflect the barbaric mindset of humans living thousands of years ago) and a cool, fun uncle who the family had shunned because he kept rocking the boat (you may know him as SATAN!!!!)

On to a world of atheism, science, a sense of personal responsibility and freedom I wouldn't trade for anything. Gone are the fears and nightmares of religion. What made them disappear? Carl Sagan. Dan Barker. Elaine Pagels. Michael Shermer. Penn & Teller. Desmond Morris. Skeptic magazine. Atheist websites. PBS nature documentaries courtesy netflix.

And things that weren't so atheist: Alan Watts. The Tao. Hardcore Zen. Joseph Campbell. Creative visualization. The Force (yes, the force).

I am building a new bookshelf. And it has things on it that don't seem to fit. Do I put the Demon Haunted World next to my collection of Alan Watts? How does Joseph Campbell fit in with "Atheism: The Case Against God"? How do my many translations of the Tao fit in with my books by Richard Dawkins (which I admit are way above my head)? Then there's "Losing faith in faith", the color scheme sort of clashes with "the Secret".

I'm at a turning point here. I believe consciousness is more than we understand. And I so value my skeptic mindset. It set me free. How the hell do I combine all these influences into a cohesive philosophy? Because they all speak to me. And it seems they can't all fit. Or can they?

IM would say I'm focusing on confusion, and reaping that. I think I am fascinated by knowledge, understanding, it "turns me on" and once I think I "know", new visions open up, and I don't know a thing.

I read Steve's "Meaning of Life" intro. It is my story. Even down to the stealing and Depeche Mode fanaticism. I know this is not a uniqe experience to me. I abandoned my spiritual beliefs, that gave me SOME comfort, for atheism, which gave me more comfort. Now I seem to be abandoning that, and I'm not sure where it's taking me.

But I know many of you have gone through this. Insights into this rant are greatly appreciated.