[pyrogen]

I have been realizing some very painful stuff in my latest work...

Basically, I have been realizing lately, in the wake of my most recent relationship coming to an end, that I have left a trail of wreckage behind me.

I always saw myself as the wronged party - I don't want to go on and on but I always made it out so that my partner was horribly controlling, or negative, or such. I did it with my most recent partner. I've painted him in such awful ways without realizing even how I contributed to the situation. I slandered my previous relationships online and to my friends/family, too, I didn't even see this as a wrong behavior. "Doesn't everyone talk about their partner?"

I never saw how I created the relationships as they were. Set it up so that my family/friends would end up sided against my partners. I never really saw how my own behaviors contributed to the relationship. If confronted I wouldl just play dumb, act like the wounded party... but I really did feel like the wounded party. Fact is that I created my entire experience of how he was when with me. And my exes previous, too.

Basically I am one of those people whose exes end up hating them. Most of them do. I am sure that my ex-husband probably feels that I ruined his life.

I never really seem to see why while i'm doing it. I never really see how I am being a user, a liar, acting in unloving ways, et cetera while i am doing it. I never see my own contribution in the middle of the relationship. It's especially hard when I have people in my life who will take my side no matter how bad I am being, when I seem to be good at portraying things in a way so that other people will always take my side and side against the other person.

But I am so scared that I will do it again. I know that I am not going to make right with this one, he put up with me for two years... and nothing changed. I don't know what to do. I am seeing so many ways in which I was wrong, but I don't know what to do.

I feel I need to do SOMETHING. I don't know why, or what. I am feeling very sad at the moment, knowing I have f*ked people over, but the problem with promising I won't do it again is that I never saw how I was doing it, and I'm sure if I were in the middle of the same situation again I would still twist things in my mind so that I can justify everything I do.

I am also realizing that I was in a group of very morally questionable people, in the rules of their universe I was a-okay. I never really saw outside of their world. I never saw that anyone thought any differently.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel sick.