[nantucketsunset]

Hi Michelle,

I do not see that the total power that is "allowed" in a situation where people gather together is some finite, maximum amount - if there are various people present with different amounts of "power", then surely the combined power adds up to whatever amount it does, and it does not need to fight to stay contained to a certain amount.

That probably does not make any sense (am having a post-lunch dip!) so I'll put it another way -- if everyone brings apple pie to a party, surely you will have 4 or 2 or 10 apple pies on the table --- you don't have to fight each other and throw away parts of everyone's pie in order to keep the total apple pie amount to just 1 standard containers' worth of pie.

You may though be talking about hierarchy and status -- the determination of who has the most status in a given situation, and that is often a natural, subtle tussle that occurs whenever mammals gather together... but I see this as different than individual power. To me, my personal power stays the same, while my place in the situational hierarchy changes depending on whom I'm with - their age, education, authority, wealth, weapons or whatever, what they think of me, what they actually know about me, how egotistical they are, how violent they are prepared to be to assert control, etc.

Depending on the situation, I think you can concede rungs on the situational hierarchy -- either because others are honestly deserving of being higher up than you (due to their position of authority or education or age, etc.), or because you are being polite/gracious, or because they have temporary power over you (such as the judges in your singing audition), or even because you are trying to keep yourself from being harmed or to appear unobtrusive out of a kind of fear (like perhaps with your father).

With your father, it sounds like others had to cow down around him so that he would feel that he was on the top of the hierarchy. But not all "powerful" people need this to happen outwardly (though some certainly do, even those you'd think would be more enlightened!)

Now this is just the way I think about it, but I think that my power within myself (to make my own decisions, live according to my ethics, guide my own behavior, affect other people's lives, make the best of my abilities-or the worst of them, as I so choose ha ha!) is the same no matter what position I occupy on any temporary social hierarchy (even if I were put in jail, or lived alone on a desert island etc.) Everyone (from lowliest to highest ranking, from child to elder, etc.) has the capacity to have a great deal of personal power, and I try to treat everyone in that way, whilst understanding/respecting their interim position on any particular hierarchy because society does demand such a construct -- and whilst realizing that a person's social/situational status can change quickly but the essence of a person's spirit does not.

I suppose that I would suggest that you honor and notice other people's power/status in any given situation -- treat it with respect, especially if they "need" others to be demonstrative about it -- but without ever thinking that doing this diminishes your personal power in any way.

In your audition, you could have been the lowliest person in the whole theater, but your full amount of power was still your own and it was there to protect, motivate, and guide you.

In fact, being aware about status and hierarchy in situations/or just in the other person's mind(!) and being able to adapt to it can lend you more personal power -- but I think that you don't need expressly to let others know how much power you've got or to fight over who has more, just exist gracefully in the world and others will notice the power within you.

In going into situations with other people, be confident but humble, be calm but energized, be interested and moderately enthusiastic about what they say/do but stay grounded in your own morals and opinions, and don't think so much about your internal reactions that you get tangled up in your thoughts and emotions and consequently stop paying attention to what is going on in the group.

I do realize though that this is a more "female" way to live and perhaps men have different pressures and acceptable behaviors when it comes to demonstrating and coping with status/hierarchy/power calculations.

One book that I found very interesting on the subject of women's power was The Princessa, written in the 1980s I think as a kind of American female's response to Machiavelli's The Prince, though I think The Princessa may be out of print now.

Marianne Williamson has written:
"“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
....Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
....It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”