It has been a few days since
my audition. And while I still feel sad at not having been able to perform my best, I have been able to gain enough distance to figure out what went awry.
It seems to me that all of my personal power left the building as soon as I was faced with singing for people whom I consider powerful. My ability to fill the room with my song and personality was squashed by a fear of being too powerful in front of these people.
Now, the origins of this issue are most likely in my childhood. My father could not stand anyone around him to be more powerful than himself. Any attempt to be centered in my own power (instead of fearful and cowering in his presence) was squashed. There is something in my programming which says "two powerful people cannot exist simultaneously in the same location". This inevitably causes me panic as two parts of me: the powerful" and the "afraid of being powerful" collide.
There is a huge huge huge power running through me when I sing, and it is terrible feeling that it is unacceptable to express that power.
Now, I am a grown woman. What can I do? I really need advice from people who may be in positions of power or who are living very consciously in their own sense of power.