[silvercherry]

Alright this is my first post here, I found this great forum as I was looking for info to help in my current relationship.

Heres the deal and sorry for the long one: I have been with my boyfriend for two years, we live together since last year and (i thought) all's been going really well. We laugh a lot together, share common interests and learn from our differences, all that kind of stuff. We have been planning a future together too. We live in the UK but both come from a different country. For a while now, we have been talking about moving to his country of origin for a few years and then maybe try mine if we feel like it. I know he cant stand the UK any more and I dont mind a change, we have always been great travellers both of us. We have talked about marriage and kids, even though we only brush on the subject from time to time in a kind of "wed like that but we're not there yet and we want to travel, party, make love when we want to". In other words, I feel we are committed to each other but know we're young enough not to settle down in the traditional sense yet.

Then a few days ago, we were discussing me quitting my job here and finding a new one in his country. I was saying i was a bit scared but it would all work out ok i was sure. Then he told me i didnt have to come with him, which was a shock, i never heard him speak like this before. From there, a lot of hurtful things came out of his mouth. That he didnt want me to "follow" him just because i loved him, that he felt he couldnt give me what i wanted in the future (ie a family), that maybe i shouldnt be wasting my time with him and find someone else.

All the while i just sat there in shock, waiting but unable to cry. This man was such a different person from the one i know. I tried to remember whether i imagined the things we discussed, but i didnt. I remembered all we discussed, all that HE said to me - how he wanted marble tiles in our new bathroom, how hed be the one waking up early to feed the kids, how he showed me the shortlist of flats we could buy...etc.

The only thing i could think was that all this didnt make sense. Then i asked him, trembling, whether he loved me. He said he liked me very much, he cared about me, he respected me but wasnt sure if it was love. He used to think it was but had been having doubts for a few weeks now. He says he doesnt want me to meet someone else, that he doesnt want to meet someone else either. He wants us to stay together but he said something was missing.

I just couldnt figure out what until he said that sometimes he has desires towards other women and that scares him. That he used to want only me but now there is an attraction to other women that worries him. He would never act on it, he doesnt see being unfaithful as an option at all. He has been cheated on in the past and would never do it to someone else.

Anyway him saying that lead him to drop the bomb by saying that he wasnt attracted to me any more. That was why he thought it wasnt love. He loves my personality,he deeply cares about me, he wants to be with me, but he doesnt want me any more. I need to add at this point that we still make love, healthily, 3-4 times a week. He acknowledged that but said he needed more (excitement, passion, desire).

I had been worried about this for a while myself. Im not exactly the most attractive girl you could meet. I have a pretty face and really scrub up well but i forget to take care of myself a lot of the time. Hair, nails, make up, clothes, and above all weight management are something id like to do, i just forget. So yes, i am overweight, i outweigh him by 30lbs, always have. He says it didnt use to bother him because he likes me so much but that it counts now to keep the spark alive. I always thought he didnt mind, or even liked it somehow, how blind i have been! He also said it makes him feel very small in comparison to me which i dont know if it has an incidence on his virility (?).

I really want to make this work and so does he. He afterwards told me that a lot of the things he told in our first row were untrue, that he was trying to be the "ba****d" so i would hate him and he wouldnt have to tell me the real reason. He knows im a bit touchy about my weight and thought i might not understand / be able to change. But i want to, for him, but also for myself coz i want to feel better about myself and love myself more. He has been helping me since, buying nice pieces of fruits, taking me out to exercise and stuff, without making it to obvious...

What strikes me though is that it seems such an easy answer. He doesnt fancy/desires/wants me any more and thats all it takes him to think he doesnt love me any more? Which is why i am unloading all this on this site to have the opinion of men. I dont have male friends so it would help. I have read on another post from TC33 that all men want a good looking woman. So maybe the loss in sexual attraction can be the cause for a break up?