[Gary]

What makes this honest self reflection, without falling into doubt and self-judgment, such a tricky process to master is that we adopt different points of view. We have many sides to our personality and they take on different emotional states.

The thought, “I shouldn’t have said that”, can be made as an honest assessment when we are feeling confident. It is a simple observation that our actions didn’t get us the results we wanted.

But the same thought from a judgmental part of our personality comes with a feeling of being right. This side of our personality is making the self judgment.

We can also have the same comment from a side of our personality that feels it as a great failure. This is the side of our personality that is accepting the judgment.

In this scenario of self assessment turning into self judgment resulting in a lack of confidence speaks to a fear at the core of it. Likely it is a fear of what others will think of us. Below that is a core belief of what we think about our self.

The technique I teach my clients is to take an inventory of all these (fears, false core beliefs, and sides of our personality) so that we can detach from all of them. It is self deceiving to think that there is only one thing to do because we are actually dealing with a matrix of aspects in our mind that act like fly paper. To get free of it means getting free of all of it.

When you dissolve the false beliefs and fears you don’t have to project an image of arrogance to compensate. You take on a quiet humble confidence that is unshaken by events or what other people think or say.

It can be done, but in my experience is a multi step process.

Gary