And i don't mean the suicide part, i mean the completely ruining my life part that got me to this point of wanting to end it all. I am f***ing moron, who needs to be buried. i can't do it anymore. i just can't. i really really can't. I have thrown away my youth. i don't have anything to live for anymore.
Basically you have made choice that damaged your life and maybe your friends so that they turned away from you and you don't want to take responsibility and bring your life back in order.
Losing a loved one is always hard. But you can take responsibility and make better decisions next time.
While you at the moment don't want to look into a future where you are happy with another person, there's such a future.
Love is a stong emotion but with time you learn to detach from the person who left you.
Go to a hospital and take responsibility for your life.