If you are truly in as much distress as your posts suggest, you MUST go to the nearest emergency room and ask for immediate help! As bad as you feel, as much as you may hate yourself right now, you must make yourself recognize on some level that this is only how you're feeling RIGHT NOW. Though it may feel as if you will never feel any differently, that IS NOT TRUE. What you're feeling is a function of a depressed life-state, not who you are. You say you hate who you are--but you can CHANGE who you are. I agree with you: NOT through the power of positive thinking. Against a depression you seem to be experiencing, positive thinking is useless. You need your symptoms controlled immediately so you don't hurt yourself and then you can stop, look around, and figure out a method by which you can rediscover the valuable person you are.
Expecting others to make you happy is a fundamental mistake most of us make at one point in our lives or another--especially with romantic relationships. I, too, was feeling exactly as you are now years ago when I broke up with the first love of my life. I thought: "I can only be happy with her, but she doesn't want me anymore, so I can never be happy." This was a distorted thought process I only recognized in retrospect, but only because I DIDN'T STOP TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH MY SUFFERING AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.
It might help you to read a post called "The True Cause Of Depression" on my website. But only after you've gone to an emergency room. I am completely serious. Please go right now.
AlexL Happiness in this World