[Farryn]

Thanks for the replies ... Karma police and Dharma, your replies made me cry because I felt their truth. I don't want my pain to continue and even though I wrote this post hoping to hear some people agree with me, I know that if they agreed, it would only increase my pain and my belief that I have some right or identity in that pain.

As for the posts on male sexual energy (this might be my pain talking, but whatever): I feel like that's an excuse men use to cheat, stare at women, objectify them... etc. I don't see how men and women are that different sexually - that men have some need to release their sexual energy in ways that are demeaning to women but women don't need to do that to men. It angers me.

I haven't said a word to my boyfriend since the night I got really upset about the porn. I've been trying not to resist reality and not to judge myself or bring past hurts into the equation. I've been happy for the most part but sometimes it's a bit of a fight with myself.

Just now for instance. I'm at his place, his MSN is on, and one of those porn emails popped up. I had to move away from the computer and work soooo hard not to let that same pain resurface. He came in the room and asked what I was doing. I told him. He held me and told me to let it go. He tried to give me some of his 'positive' energy (as he said).

I was able to let it go but part of me still doens't want to. Now I want to ask him if it's an addiction, I want to ask him ... so many things! I worry that I'd get lost again in my negative emotions if I started to talk to him about it.

Now I keep wondering: If he cares about me and sees how much it hurts me, shouldn't he stop watching it??