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Originally Posted by Marcus1968  After reading the section mentioned I still cannot figure how to get my point across regarding hygiene in our home. From my point of view I cannot figure why she cannot see that animals should not be allowed to eat or walk on our kitchen tables and benches.
Each time I bring the subject up it turns into a mess with her accusing me of not loving her. This has nothing to do with love. It is purely a hygiene issue that should be resolved with no fuss.
I'm stumped. |
Righty, let's try another way: people don't respond to actions or objects in and of themselves, rather they respond to what those things mean to them. As an example, if I woke up tomorrow and found 10k in my bank account I'd be overjoyed. If a millionaire woke up tomorrow and found 10k in his bank account, he'd be pissed as hell and would wanna know where all his money went. Same stimulus, different response. Covey tells a nice story in the book somewhere about what buying Fridgedaire (or Whirlpool or somin) appliances meant a lot to his wife. She'd travel many miles to go buy only that brand and it used to piss off Covey. However he spent time talking to her and found out that that company helped her dad stay in business by giving him stock without charging or something. So, it wasn't a washing machine anymore, it was loyalty to her father and those that helped him. These animals and how they have run of the house means something to her. Find out what.
Read the chapter again. You may also want to read the part about the Relationship Bank Account, which I think is in the little mini chapter between the third and fourth habits. You don't fully understand her yet and she doesn't feel understood, so she's less inclined to try to understand you.
Some questions to try to get the answers to: Why does she feed animals at the table? Don't apply your own judgement of disgust and unsanitariness yet, figure out why she does it. Find out why she's against not feeding them at the table or having free roam of the place? For her it does seem to be about love, so figure out why it is exactly.
You see, you may see it as a hygiene issue, but perhaps she sees it as an identity issue. It seems to be close to her sense of identity to have animals roam free. Maybe she saw Jumanji as a kid and had a dream that when she grew up and had her own house she'd have lots of animals and they'd have run of the place. Maybe something else from her childhood, I dunno. My point is, you don't either and you wanna find out otherwise you're not going to go anywhere.
Seek first to understand her to her satisfaction (you can summarize and repeat what she said back to her) and then you'll find she's a lot more open to trying to understand you. You could just go ahead and read the whole Covey book, it's great for helping you with this.
I can garuntee you, if you put aside your emotions, judgements and thoughts for a little bit (don't get rid of them) and learn to understand your partner's emotions, feelings and thoughts on a deep, deep level, you'll completely change your relationship. BTW, the judge of whether you're listening and understanding isn't you, it's the other person.