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Holistic Star · 03-14-2009, 07:18 PM

Yes you are in an abusive relationship.

You would still be, even if there wasn't violence. The psychological indimidation and chipping away at your confidence is enough that makes it abusive.

FFS he hit you when you were holding a baby because you had been to church and he didn't like it.

I will tell you my story as I think it might help. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years from when I was 22 to 25. Before it happened, I never thought something like that could happen to me. I completly understand how you think the good times inbetween are enough to make up for the bad times. But I'll bet anything you tiptoe around on eggshells trying not to upset him. I'll bet you minimise your self and your needs all the time to avoid 'provoking' him. I bet he blames his anger on you.
I went to the doctors too and they told me I was depressed. And I too didn't go back because I thought he might get angry with me for it. (Funny how my depression lifted the minute I left him).

I tried to leave several times, but each time he reeled me back in with sob stories about how he had changed and things would be different. I believed him every time.

Then one day, something inside me snapped. I knew I wanted better for myself. Once I made that internal decision everything suddenly became easy. I walked out not knowing where I was going. But in the end everything worked out.

I started again at 25. That's only a couple of years younger than you are now. I didn't know anyone in the town I lived in, he had managed to alienate all my friends. I got lodgings through someone I hardly knew and managed to make 1 friend. Through that person I met lots of other people and little by little I got back on my feet.

You say you have no family or friends near to help. Could you move back and stay with a relative or friend for a couple of months to give yourself time to sort yourself out? I bet your family don't know what is going on. If they knew do you think they would want you to stay there?

You owe it to yourself and your children not to be in this situation. Do you want your children growing up with the message that violence is ok?

You can do it. You really can. I'll tell you what held me back for a long time was pride. I was too proud to ask for help or admit what was happening even to my own family. I told myself I had to do it on my own and that I couldn't afford to leave as he had stolen a lot of money from my bank account. Once I left, my parents offered me money to get back on my feet, the guy who I lodged with offered me free rent for a month to help (I chose to pay but the offer was there). It's amazing how much support is out there when you make a move.

You're not alone. You can get help and support and do the best thing for yourself and your children.

03-14-2009, 07:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
Holistic Star Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 1,611	Yes you are in an abusive relationship. You would still be, even if there wasn't violence. The psychological indimidation and chipping away at your confidence is enough that makes it abusive. FFS he hit you when you were holding a baby because you had been to church and he didn't like it. I will tell you my story as I think it might help. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years from when I was 22 to 25. Before it happened, I never thought something like that could happen to me. I completly understand how you think the good times inbetween are enough to make up for the bad times. But I'll bet anything you tiptoe around on eggshells trying not to upset him. I'll bet you minimise your self and your needs all the time to avoid 'provoking' him. I bet he blames his anger on you. I went to the doctors too and they told me I was depressed. And I too didn't go back because I thought he might get angry with me for it. (Funny how my depression lifted the minute I left him). I tried to leave several times, but each time he reeled me back in with sob stories about how he had changed and things would be different. I believed him every time. Then one day, something inside me snapped. I knew I wanted better for myself. Once I made that internal decision everything suddenly became easy. I walked out not knowing where I was going. But in the end everything worked out. I started again at 25. That's only a couple of years younger than you are now. I didn't know anyone in the town I lived in, he had managed to alienate all my friends. I got lodgings through someone I hardly knew and managed to make 1 friend. Through that person I met lots of other people and little by little I got back on my feet. You say you have no family or friends near to help. Could you move back and stay with a relative or friend for a couple of months to give yourself time to sort yourself out? I bet your family don't know what is going on. If they knew do you think they would want you to stay there? You owe it to yourself and your children not to be in this situation. Do you want your children growing up with the message that violence is ok? You can do it. You really can. I'll tell you what held me back for a long time was pride. I was too proud to ask for help or admit what was happening even to my own family. I told myself I had to do it on my own and that I couldn't afford to leave as he had stolen a lot of money from my bank account. Once I left, my parents offered me money to get back on my feet, the guy who I lodged with offered me free rent for a month to help (I chose to pay but the offer was there). It's amazing how much support is out there when you make a move. You're not alone. You can get help and support and do the best thing for yourself and your children.