Here is a short mind dump:
- I always wanted to write stuff that entertained and helped people.
The only problem here is that the vast majority of people don't necessarily want to be entertained and what you feel is helpful or entertaining may not fit with what the 'majority' are into. "Harry Potter" anyone? It's derivative garbage, but the writer is a multi millionaire!
- I always had problems with authority. I don't think other people should be telling other people how to live their lives (religion, politics, pre-made life recipes, social conditioning). I've been this way since I was a little kid, even when I couldn't name these things. It was tough being a 5y/o atheist
Ever met a Muslim? They think it's OK to KILL people who don't conform to an ideology so uttely ridiculous that no 5 year old (without programming) could hear it without laughing out loud, and they get angry or violent when their dogmas are even questioned, let alone criticised! Even in Western societies it's easier for the vast majority to conform than swim against the general tide.......Obama fever, anyone?
- In the same vein I have always desired to show people that they have so much more potential than they think they have. Not to blindly accept what is handed to them out and then subscribe to it out of fear and ignorance. I believe that people are better when they learn to trust their own authority and flourish as people.
Problem here of course is people don;t always want to see our lights. Power rests with conformity, and it's easier to conform. Going against this takes courage and can be a lonely road. A leader without followers is a guy taking a walk!
- I always liked building stuff w/ legos. I'm a programmer (and closet entrepreneur) now and it is basically the same thing to me.
This could be advantageous......most people in the mainstream can relate to a practical, rather than theoretical approach
The hardest part has been that although I knew these things on some level, I pushed them back and disconnected from them. Connecting with them appeared to make me different and isolate me. So I've been trying to live a regular life. But those values run deep. And I feel like trying to live the regular life is so incongruent with them that I physically or mentally can't engage in certain things that, on some level, appear to contradict them.
....and that is the problem, just because some of these things are what we see as values, doesn't mean they are accepted or even acknowledged by others........by way of example, for every James Taylor, there are thousands of musicians doing it 'their' way on unemployment! Kurt Cobain was so damaged by the effect of the music industry's need for conformity (i.e. $$) that he committed suicide!
It has just been recently that I've started to see these things at play so I guess I've been using this thread to help me sort it out. I appreciate all the feedback. Thanks to anybody that takes the time to read this ranting and respond.
The hardest part now is that even though I have started to acknlowedge these values and how significant they are for me... I don't have the courage to act profoundly. I'm taking baby steps. I feel like I have a direction. I have a message. I have 2 mediums I have been working through. I feel that baby steps are not enough. But fear is holding me back.
and that fear is totally understandable
Like Brutha and others have alluded to... $$$$ is a concern. No getting around the fact that you need at least some $$. That being said, I have quit a job before simply because it drained me, even though I had no other prospects. Everybody said I was crazy because it was a sweet gig. But I trusted myself.
I started a business and even though it started to gain momentum I kept rejecting it mentally because it wasn't a good fit. So I mothballed it after a few months and got another J.O.B. I quickly bounced back financially, actually making about 20% more than before. I traded up to another job and make even more. I've despised almost every minute of work since however. In a way, the extra money doesn't really mean that much to me. I see that my motivation for money only extends from fear. It is not something I actively move towards.
and in all honesty it's easy and glib to say things like "live without fear" "go your own way" "live your dream"........that's great if your dream pays the bills! You need your dream, some talent, a whole lot of luck, and usually some financial security or backing!
Anyway... wow, I didn't intend to write so much so I'm gonna stop here
I wish you hadn't stopped there...... you were articulating what so many of us feel on this issue