Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post

Bisha · 01-13-2007, 10:28 AM

I fully agree that you need to get your mental stand point in line before you can really get anywhere with confidence.

However, I don't believe that's enough.

Yes, turn your thoughts around - change from "I can't" to "I can" to "I will" to "I do!" This is integral.

But to truly give yourself confidence, to carry yourself in that special way that some people do that's so clear when you see it, I believe you need to follow this: Non verba, sed facta

That is: Not words, but deeds.

Yes, understand what it is to be confident. Take it upon yourself to know everything there is to know about your goal and how you can reach it. But don't be satifised with just having knowledge. It does nothing simmering in your brain, aside from perhaps sometimes fooling you with a false sense of external accomplishment.

Another belief that is important to let go of is that confidence is something that only comes into play around other people, or where there are external influences involved.

The key to being confident around other people is having complete belief and confidence in yourself as someone who is in control of their reality, emotions, responses and person, when you're alone, AND that that can be carried over to when you're with others.

Just as much as a lack of confidence is built from a series of bad habits in regards to thoughts, it's also bad habits externally, too. You can probably really easilly see these when you start looking for them: you're fully aware of negative thoughts that flick through your mind (in fact you probably give yourself a hard time over them, too), and you're aware of yourself when you look at other people and you feel jealousy or envy.

But are you aware of how you're physically presenting this?

Think about how you position yourself in social situations - if there's a group of people, where do you stand relative to them? Do you face in, or at an angle? When you're talking to someone, do you keep eye contact? Do you watch their mouth, do you mirror how they're standing?

What about when you're by yourself - say, going shopping for example. How do you tend to walk? Slightly slouched or with a straight back? Do you make eye contact with the cashier when they say "Thank you" or are you looking into your wallet/purse and grabbing for your bags to go? How much of your time do you spend smiling? Or dancing?

I think if you can really mulch through the internal mindset that you have and learn how to be "confident" then these things will seep through to your physical, external representation of yourself.

Some people will say that there's either an outside->in (kind of along the lines of: fake it til you make it) or an inside->out approach to this, (kind of like a bottom-up or top-down analysis of something), but I'd have to say that when it comes to confidence it's neither: If you don't believe that you can hold eye contact with someone for an entire conversation, you won't - and if you don't actually hold eye contact with someone, you won't believe you can!

So the solution is this, as you bring your thoughts to clarity, externalise these beliefs at the same time. Stop reading books on confidence (because it's highly likely you already know what you want to achieve and how to do it) and actually start putting things into practise.

The whole point is, your internal beliefs have to be congruent with your external presentations, otherwise you won't see any change, and you'll fall back into that endlessly twisty black spiral of anti-improvement.

If I had to start someone off anywhere, I'd immediately recommend the following (you could even do this right now in front of your pc/laptop) - sit with a straight back, and for heaven's sake SMILE.

Next time you leave the house (hopefully today) take it upon yourself to try and smile consistently. If someone looks at you funny, it's highly likely that it's because they've never had someone in the street smile at them before (people have said this to me!)

The reason I say start off with a smile, is because everyone responds positively to a smile. I think it's just the most lovely external representation of positive energy.

As you see positive responses to your new external representation of yourself, you'll start to internalise people's responses and this will fuel the cycle of superlove crazy happy bonanza.

And I'm pretty sure we all want to be in the cycle of superlove crazy happy bonanza.

01-13-2007, 10:28 AM	#7 (permalink)
Bisha Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: London, UK Posts: 13	Thoughts aren't enough I fully agree that you need to get your mental stand point in line before you can really get anywhere with confidence. However, I don't believe that's enough. Yes, turn your thoughts around - change from "I can't" to "I can" to "I will" to "I do!" This is integral. But to truly give yourself confidence, to carry yourself in that special way that some people do that's so clear when you see it, I believe you need to follow this: Non verba, sed facta That is: Not words, but deeds. Yes, understand what it is to be confident. Take it upon yourself to know everything there is to know about your goal and how you can reach it. But don't be satifised with just having knowledge. It does nothing simmering in your brain, aside from perhaps sometimes fooling you with a false sense of external accomplishment. Another belief that is important to let go of is that confidence is something that only comes into play around other people, or where there are external influences involved. The key to being confident around other people is having complete belief and confidence in yourself as someone who is in control of their reality, emotions, responses and person, when you're alone, AND that that can be carried over to when you're with others. Just as much as a lack of confidence is built from a series of bad habits in regards to thoughts, it's also bad habits externally, too. You can probably really easilly see these when you start looking for them: you're fully aware of negative thoughts that flick through your mind (in fact you probably give yourself a hard time over them, too), and you're aware of yourself when you look at other people and you feel jealousy or envy. But are you aware of how you're physically presenting this? Think about how you position yourself in social situations - if there's a group of people, where do you stand relative to them? Do you face in, or at an angle? When you're talking to someone, do you keep eye contact? Do you watch their mouth, do you mirror how they're standing? What about when you're by yourself - say, going shopping for example. How do you tend to walk? Slightly slouched or with a straight back? Do you make eye contact with the cashier when they say "Thank you" or are you looking into your wallet/purse and grabbing for your bags to go? How much of your time do you spend smiling? Or dancing? I think if you can really mulch through the internal mindset that you have and learn how to be "confident" then these things will seep through to your physical, external representation of yourself. Some people will say that there's either an outside->in (kind of along the lines of: fake it til you make it) or an inside->out approach to this, (kind of like a bottom-up or top-down analysis of something), but I'd have to say that when it comes to confidence it's neither: If you don't believe that you can hold eye contact with someone for an entire conversation, you won't - and if you don't actually hold eye contact with someone, you won't believe you can! So the solution is this, as you bring your thoughts to clarity, externalise these beliefs at the same time. Stop reading books on confidence (because it's highly likely you already know what you want to achieve and how to do it) and actually start putting things into practise. The whole point is, your internal beliefs have to be congruent with your external presentations, otherwise you won't see any change, and you'll fall back into that endlessly twisty black spiral of anti-improvement. If I had to start someone off anywhere, I'd immediately recommend the following (you could even do this right now in front of your pc/laptop) - sit with a straight back, and for heaven's sake SMILE. Next time you leave the house (hopefully today) take it upon yourself to try and smile consistently. If someone looks at you funny, it's highly likely that it's because they've never had someone in the street smile at them before (people have said this to me!) The reason I say start off with a smile, is because everyone responds positively to a smile. I think it's just the most lovely external representation of positive energy. As you see positive responses to your new external representation of yourself, you'll start to internalise people's responses and this will fuel the cycle of superlove crazy happy bonanza. And I'm pretty sure we all want to be in the cycle of superlove crazy happy bonanza.