Quote:
Originally Posted by ssandra  Hi,
Just to say that I have read your other post as well, and yes it can be very difficult living with a man who doesnt open up.
However... your post do seem to make you the perfect wife/girlfriend and him the bad evil husband/boyfriend... Is that really true? |
Absolutely not.. I have never professed to be perfect in anything.. especially our relationship... HOWEVER.. I will make a point of explaining something important:
Early in our relationship, I went through this same sort of stuff... always having to ask for help with things... such as taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and keeping our pool clean.. most of the time, our backyard had lawn 2 feet high and an inground pool that was green and full of tadpoles. I stopped cleaning altogether. I was deeply depressed. On top of that, the only attention I would get was sexual. I tried to explain that I felt like he only wanted me or was happy with me as a result of the sex.
I started to self harm because I was so deeply frustrated that I didnt know what else to do. I felt like it was all my fault. I felt useless and ugly. So I used to belt myself up with books and bash my head off walls.
The relationship broke down to the point that he met another girl at a concert while we were still together. He was keeping in contact with her via MY mobile phone.. and I put 2 and 2 together. I asked him if there was someone else and he said yes... even though nothing had happened between them..
I decided that I was out of there. I went through a lot of soul searching and made MASSIVE personal changes. We ended up staying together.. we just couldnt bear to be apart. and things got better for a while.. but the sex stuff.. and the domestic issues are still things that really have not changed all that much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ssandra Hi,
Or could it be that you are not open for change yourself? Not open to checking to make sure that there is nothing you can do to make your life as a couple better?
Are you sure about that?? Have you asked him?
I´m guessing here, but I think that most of your converstations you have with him are going like this:
You: honey, lets sit down and talk ok?
Him: oh, ♥♥♥♥♥, here we go again... Sign... yes dear...
You: you see he doesn´t really want to talk to me, he´s closing down again! Well honey.. I am not happy. I am feeling like you don´t care about me. I want this to change. What are you going to do to change?
Him: bla bla bla bla bla yeah.. well.. whatever...has the football started yet?
You:He doesn´t love me anymore! Why doesn´t he do anything for me! And wash your own clothes, I am not the maid around here!
Him: Huh? What? Clothes..? Ahhh this is about clothes.. Ok honey, i´ll wash the clothes, but later ok? Just let me watch my show now... |
OK... here's an example of a recent issue...
he gets up at 4:30am to go to work... one morning his alarm didnt go off.. but I had mine set for him but not early enough... anyway.. he got up all angry and flustered because his alarm had not gone off... I copped his nasty angry attitude at 5am.. not the way I would like to wake up or be woken..
That night.. I waited and waited to see if he would apologise on his own.. but no. I kept my distance.. I wasnt angry, I was very conscious of being "nice" and keeping a positive attitude...
I realised he was not going to raise the topic. So I said.. "So.. have you got anything to say for yourself" and he said "Sorry"... only... the "sorry" he gave me was filled with attitude that showed that he really wasnt sorry.. and that he said that coz he knew thats what I wanted to hear.
The tone of an apology can change the entire meaning.
I'm at the stage where I cannot give anymore. Any changes I make will be for me... and no one else. I am constantly changing... I feel that this is the nature of life. It's the unchanging attitude of this man in my life that is the cause of so much hurt and frustration.
I see what you mean about asking him... what makes you feel this way. etc.. what can I do to change that etc??
But I have done so much work in this area.. I feel like "I" want to be considered... when is it my turn for him to consider MY feelings... and when will he take a look at himself and address what HE is doing to me?
This is one sided from my point of view because I have given my everything... and I get nothing back... I need to learn to let it go and move on.
