Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post

pyrogen · 03-02-2009, 05:50 PM

Angela -

I'm actually pretty "Rules Lite". THE MOST IMPORTANT part of TR for me is the stuff about pacing the relationship. If I follow nothing else what I take away will be the pacing.

Their pacing guidelines are - one date every week for the first few weeks, then gradually you step up the number of dates, and you keep phone calls short.

I think much of the problem with the Rules is the tone that the book takes, not the principles in it, because many other books say exactly the same thing and never aroused as much furor. But some of us girls NEED a set of rules to follow or we will make a bunch of serious tactical errors. Those most common errors are:

* Waiting by the phone
* Oneitis (TR calls it "fantasy relationship") - when you are obsessed with someone and hold out a lot of hopes and you're not even dating them, or only just started dating them
* Going "doormatty" after realizing you like someone
* Overgiving
* Trying really hard to please and sell ourselves... this actually lowers our value.
* Talking talking talking too much and trying to be what they call a "knee slapping funny gal!" To clarify - this does NOT mean "don't be an extraverted, chatty, exuberant personality with a great sense of humor". I know in my own case I found that a lot of my talk-talk-talking and joking around was because of nervousness. It's the nervousness that's the turn off.

In the Rules community I'm in, how the Rules are actually applied in real life doesn't always square even 60% with the book. We call it "bootcamp" when someone follows Every.Single.Rule.To.The.Letter. Really only the most doormatty women who are used to being used for sex, who try to oversell themselves, end up doing "bootcamp" when they get converted to TR. After they get some amount of inner game going they tend to relax. A very confident woman trying to do bootcamp will never get a date, that's universally acknowledged on that board.

Most of the focus in the community I'm in is about "inner game" and the theory is that if you have the right inner game to begin with - you deserve to be cherished, your time is valuable, you are worth more than just sex, and anyone would be blessed to have you - that's better than slavishly following a list.

Many of the Rules have been applied with myself and with the women we've talked to, not to manipulate men we meet, but to counteract our *own* sabotaging behaviors... such as throwing ourselves at someone when they even show just a sign of interest. In MYSELF, since I started being a CUAO, I made a lot of discoveries. I used to think that I had this really exuberant personality and that trying to sit still and be quiet was going to be "faking" a personality. It wasn't - my "exuberance" was just nervousness. Real exuberance magnetizes. I also did so much talking that I didn't actually listen and learn anything about the other person's character.

TR takes kind of a tone a lot of people don't like, but a lot of books out there (John Gray's books, Pat Allen/"Getting To I Do", Lisa Daily/"Stop Getting Dumped") more or less say some version of the same thing.

Letting the guy lead, is not a zero-sum game. Many men feel empowered by this and even like themselves better and they are more attracted to their mate. What is zero-sum about giving someone what they want? John Gray's work actually makes a lot more sense out of

I follow the principles of a number of systems to develop my own tactical plan, but the core I've distilled is:

Don't accept dates with fewer than four days' notice
This is pretty self-explanatory - your time is worth something. This is almost impossible not to follow for me because I'm so busy and active anyway, which is what being a CUAO is about (INNER GAME).

Let him lead
Whenever I've dated a guy and he DIDN'T initially pursue, I ALWAYS felt insecure... and that insecurity led to behaviors that sabotaged the relationship. I've ALWAYS wished that he would've started things and I always feel like I just didn't inspire him enough.

Pursuing doesn't mean swamping someone with phone calls and flowers and engaging in pseudo stalking behavior. All it means is, calling a woman and asking her out. That's all it means.

Also, I'm tired of being the masculine energy in the relationship. When I've been the leader I ended up with someone who didn't cherish my femininity. I want to be the feminine energy and enjoy the differences between us. Enough said.

Let him be cherishing and chivalrous
Many men really have fun with this and us girls don't actually let them do it! What's wrong with a rule that lets a guy do what he wants to do?

03-02-2009, 05:50 PM	#171 (permalink)
pyrogen Banned Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Northern California Posts: 3,030	Angela - I'm actually pretty "Rules Lite". THE MOST IMPORTANT part of TR for me is the stuff about pacing the relationship. If I follow nothing else what I take away will be the pacing. Their pacing guidelines are - one date every week for the first few weeks, then gradually you step up the number of dates, and you keep phone calls short. I think much of the problem with the Rules is the tone that the book takes, not the principles in it, because many other books say exactly the same thing and never aroused as much furor. But some of us girls NEED a set of rules to follow or we will make a bunch of serious tactical errors. Those most common errors are: * Waiting by the phone * Oneitis (TR calls it "fantasy relationship") - when you are obsessed with someone and hold out a lot of hopes and you're not even dating them, or only just started dating them * Going "doormatty" after realizing you like someone * Overgiving * Trying really hard to please and sell ourselves... this actually lowers our value. * Talking talking talking too much and trying to be what they call a "knee slapping funny gal!" To clarify - this does NOT mean "don't be an extraverted, chatty, exuberant personality with a great sense of humor". I know in my own case I found that a lot of my talk-talk-talking and joking around was because of nervousness. It's the nervousness that's the turn off. In the Rules community I'm in, how the Rules are actually applied in real life doesn't always square even 60% with the book. We call it "bootcamp" when someone follows Every.Single.Rule.To.The.Letter. Really only the most doormatty women who are used to being used for sex, who try to oversell themselves, end up doing "bootcamp" when they get converted to TR. After they get some amount of inner game going they tend to relax. A very confident woman trying to do bootcamp will never get a date, that's universally acknowledged on that board. Most of the focus in the community I'm in is about "inner game" and the theory is that if you have the right inner game to begin with - you deserve to be cherished, your time is valuable, you are worth more than just sex, and anyone would be blessed to have you - that's better than slavishly following a list. Many of the Rules have been applied with myself and with the women we've talked to, not to manipulate men we meet, but to counteract our own sabotaging behaviors... such as throwing ourselves at someone when they even show just a sign of interest. In MYSELF, since I started being a CUAO, I made a lot of discoveries. I used to think that I had this really exuberant personality and that trying to sit still and be quiet was going to be "faking" a personality. It wasn't - my "exuberance" was just nervousness. Real exuberance magnetizes. I also did so much talking that I didn't actually listen and learn anything about the other person's character. TR takes kind of a tone a lot of people don't like, but a lot of books out there (John Gray's books, Pat Allen/"Getting To I Do", Lisa Daily/"Stop Getting Dumped") more or less say some version of the same thing. Letting the guy lead, is not a zero-sum game. Many men feel empowered by this and even like themselves better and they are more attracted to their mate. What is zero-sum about giving someone what they want? John Gray's work actually makes a lot more sense out of I follow the principles of a number of systems to develop my own tactical plan, but the core I've distilled is: Don't accept dates with fewer than four days' notice This is pretty self-explanatory - your time is worth something. This is almost impossible not to follow for me because I'm so busy and active anyway, which is what being a CUAO is about (INNER GAME). Let him lead Whenever I've dated a guy and he DIDN'T initially pursue, I ALWAYS felt insecure... and that insecurity led to behaviors that sabotaged the relationship. I've ALWAYS wished that he would've started things and I always feel like I just didn't inspire him enough. Pursuing doesn't mean swamping someone with phone calls and flowers and engaging in pseudo stalking behavior. All it means is, calling a woman and asking her out. That's all it means. Also, I'm tired of being the masculine energy in the relationship. When I've been the leader I ended up with someone who didn't cherish my femininity. I want to be the feminine energy and enjoy the differences between us. Enough said. Let him be cherishing and chivalrous Many men really have fun with this and us girls don't actually let them do it! What's wrong with a rule that lets a guy do what he wants to do? Last edited by pyrogen; 03-02-2009 at 05:52 PM.