[missing]

*bump*

just letting people know that I've read the replies, but have simply not been feeling up to responding. The wish to annihilate oneself and all vestiges remain as pervasive as ever, though I'm considering ways I can channel them into usefulness. The strange thing is that I do have a strong interest in existence, just an extreme disinterest in my own life in the here and now. I find it stupid and annoying. My "dream" I suppose you could call it, is to be a filmmaker, and normally when I get depressed it's because I see all the logistics that would be very difficult, if not impossible for me to overcome while pursuing such a task. The desire though is pervasive enough that I have to believe it somehow fits into whatever my "life purpose" is. I have to hope that I'm not here to live a "life". I'd much rather sit back and observe, and somehow convey my observations to others. My interest in film probably stems from a desire to control a world to my own liking; to create something that makes sense to me. Perhaps it will make sense to somebody else as well, in a way nothing else has. Which would be nice but hardly something one could count on. I have enough problems communicating and relating to others "conventionally", only an ineffable form of artistic expression would satisfy me.

I doubt this is making much sense but it's 4am and I have a severe sleeping disorder. Anyway, reading the responses here has given me a few ideas, but the disinterest in living my life remains strong, but perversely so does my interest in this world. I find it fascinating in a twisted way, how messed up we are; it's like rubber necking a bad accident. You know you probably shouldn't watch, but you can't help it. Yea, that's the bright happy place I'm coming from. ;p I suppose I have a tangible goal/dream and that's something, right? My concern is that the attainability of that goal will slip away and I will be left more hopeless than ever, as I'm really not interested in pursuing anything else. I really don't care to "overcome challenges" or "learn lessons" do whatever it is people claim is so damn important about life on earth. If that happens along the way, great, but I have no interest in doing it for it's own sake. My only explanation why is that I'm simply "not feeling it". But so long as nothing serious gets shoved in my way, I can still enjoy the show, I suppose, and dream an unlikely dream till I get taken out of this place.