Welp, after some searching and debating the options, I decided to send her a handwritten letter. Going to visit her was on the table for a while, but it seemed so intrusive and likely to cause an extremely emotional reaction. Frankly, it just seemed a little forceful considering the lack of contact for a year and a half, and it would take away her option to simply not see me.
So, I wrote three pages of extremely apologetic and concerned language expressing how much she has touched me. One friend who has spoken to her about me advised against it. His opinion was that her reaction is likely to be negative, as she "went cold" when I came up in conversation. Noting that he is probably correct, I dropped the letter in the mail this morning. All day I've felt a lingering sense of some emotion I can't name... midway between fear and sadness with a healthy dollop of regret and self-blame mixed in. It is a sort of sinking, depressed feeling just above my stomach combined with a lack of focus and desire to crawl into a nice, warm bed.
Today will be a day to maintain. There are too many things going on to let it affect me. Late tonight, I'll give myself more time to reflect and discuss it with my small and ever changing support group.
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