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David21 · 02-23-2009, 04:20 PM

I'm 21 years old - 22 in April - and I have never been in an intimate relationship.

From about the age of, I think, 11 I began to take an interest in the opposite sex and the possibility of being in relationships. For some reason, the idea of being close and affectionate with someone has always appealed to me, it's always been something I've desired.

Unfortunately I developed depression from about the age of 15 and from there I've not really had the chance to lead a 'normal life', whatever that is. The opportunities to mingle with the opposite sex never really arose and when it did, it was in the wrong context for anything to develop. Every time a girl comes into my life that I like, something happens that stops anything from developing. It's frustrating and deeply hurtful, especially when it's the only thing you've dreamt of for years. Don't get me wrong, I don't come across as desperate in the slightest but something not always in my control tends to arise and stop a relationship from forming.

I was at a club a few weeks ago where a friend and I were dancing. As we danced we held hands. This was a newish experience for me. When she got tired she suggested that we sit down. Once we'd made ourselves comfortable, she played with the rings on my hand and then actually held my hand. Just holding someones hand like that, regardless of whether I found her attractive, made me feel warm in the chest - I really enjoyed it. It was such a nice experience.

I should make something clear, I'm not interested in just the sex - far from it. What I want and desire is just companionship: being close to someone, sharing your thoughts and feelings, holding hands and cuddling, things like that. The idea of casual sex makes me anxious and highly uncomfortable which is perhaps ironic given that I am a student!

During the past year I've been feeling a lot of pain because this one thing I just can't find. Buddhists teach that one should reduce the significance one places on things, but this doesn't work for me. I still yearn closeness. I try and put things into perspective and remind myself that I am absolutely not the only one experiencing this, but that doesn't help either. I just can't stop thinking about how much I would really enjoy being close to someone. You know what the real annoyance of the situation is? I know that once I'm in a relationship I'll not find absolute contentment as I dream I will. Why? Because it is not within our nature to stop coveting things. I'll end up seeking something else, no doubt. True contentment needs to be found within. It doesn't exist 'out there'. And I know this, yet the desire for closeness remains just as strong.

I'm very sorry for writing such a long and perhaps tedious post, but I just wanted peoples perspectives on this matter as my own adds no clarity. It just hurts so much and I just want it to stop. It's not even rational, I know but every day I feel this unease in my heart. I just want to find peace of mind.

02-23-2009, 04:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
David21 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 186	The Hurt of Longing I'm 21 years old - 22 in April - and I have never been in an intimate relationship. From about the age of, I think, 11 I began to take an interest in the opposite sex and the possibility of being in relationships. For some reason, the idea of being close and affectionate with someone has always appealed to me, it's always been something I've desired. Unfortunately I developed depression from about the age of 15 and from there I've not really had the chance to lead a 'normal life', whatever that is. The opportunities to mingle with the opposite sex never really arose and when it did, it was in the wrong context for anything to develop. Every time a girl comes into my life that I like, something happens that stops anything from developing. It's frustrating and deeply hurtful, especially when it's the only thing you've dreamt of for years. Don't get me wrong, I don't come across as desperate in the slightest but something not always in my control tends to arise and stop a relationship from forming. I was at a club a few weeks ago where a friend and I were dancing. As we danced we held hands. This was a newish experience for me. When she got tired she suggested that we sit down. Once we'd made ourselves comfortable, she played with the rings on my hand and then actually held my hand. Just holding someones hand like that, regardless of whether I found her attractive, made me feel warm in the chest - I really enjoyed it. It was such a nice experience. I should make something clear, I'm not interested in just the sex - far from it. What I want and desire is just companionship: being close to someone, sharing your thoughts and feelings, holding hands and cuddling, things like that. The idea of casual sex makes me anxious and highly uncomfortable which is perhaps ironic given that I am a student! During the past year I've been feeling a lot of pain because this one thing I just can't find. Buddhists teach that one should reduce the significance one places on things, but this doesn't work for me. I still yearn closeness. I try and put things into perspective and remind myself that I am absolutely not the only one experiencing this, but that doesn't help either. I just can't stop thinking about how much I would really enjoy being close to someone. You know what the real annoyance of the situation is? I know that once I'm in a relationship I'll not find absolute contentment as I dream I will. Why? Because it is not within our nature to stop coveting things. I'll end up seeking something else, no doubt. True contentment needs to be found within. It doesn't exist 'out there'. And I know this, yet the desire for closeness remains just as strong. I'm very sorry for writing such a long and perhaps tedious post, but I just wanted peoples perspectives on this matter as my own adds no clarity. It just hurts so much and I just want it to stop. It's not even rational, I know but every day I feel this unease in my heart. I just want to find peace of mind.