[DJCT]

I have a problem that I've come to regard lately as a hidden force shaping much of my life. I'm not sure what to think about it and I was hoping to get some feedback from others. This concerns the school and work/business aspects of my life but ultimately I believe it is a matter of character.

The problem is my ability to do things that I don't care about. If I don't care about something it is like I have a physical or psychological problem engaging it. It isn't a matter of willpower or "getting over myself" as some friends/relatives have suggested. My brain just outright refuses to engage in it. I can't concentrate on whatever it is. I become dumb and lethargic and feel dead inside.

If it is something I care about however, I can marshal internal resources not normally available to me. It doesn't matter if it is brutally difficult, time consuming or whatever. My energy goes through the roof, all my abilities are maximized and I feel alive.

I barely made it out of school because none of the topics were remotely of interest to me and I couldn't engage. As I got older the problem followed me into my work.

Although I've managed to gain the appearance of outward success, it has come at a cost. Forcing myself to do things I don't care about repeatedly, thinking that the solution was to suck it up like everybody else, has created many health problems. I recover from those. The bigger cost is that inventing new ways to trick myself into doing what I need to do over the years has pulled me so far away from truth, honesty and clarity that I've fallen out of touch with myself.

Has anybody struggled with this?

If I talk to people about it they just say something like "That's what life is: doing things you don't like. Over and over again. Everybody feels that way and you're no different. You just have to learn to suck it up like everybody else."

This seems like a pretty lame approach to life and I think it's a lie that people perpetuate because it helps them feel good about the crappy concessions they've made in life.

Even if it was 100% true and accurate however, this is not even something I have a choice in. The part of me that refuses to engage in things I don't care about is not something I can control.

As I get older, this problem is cutting off my options in life one by one. I'm having trouble at work because I really don't care about what I'm doing. I can hop jobs and ride the initial excitement of learning new things but once that wears off I'm back at square one. It is basically motivation by pain and avoidance vs. motivation out of authentic desire or love for something. Not good!

That trick is getting stale anyway. Besides, I'm simply getting tired of tricking myself. I value honesty and truth more as time goes on. And the more I move towards truth, the more I feel like a coward for living the way I have. And the prospect of continuing to live this way pisses me off.

In a way, I'm not sure if this problem is actually a good thing that I just haven't recognized the value of yet. But in terms of living a "normal" life, it is really becoming an overwhelming issue. And I have no idea what to do with it. Any insight or suggestions?