im from india,and it surprises me to see someone out there,having the exact same issues as any indian housewife would have.out here its like you dont marry the guy ,you marry the 'whole family'.even if you don move into a joint family there is still a lot of pressure.
i had a very difficult mother in law.she still is.
the earlier situ.was very bad. ..uh long story short we were in an ego deadlock.
after banging my head against the wall i started following one rule.i would ONLY do say things which i want to do.not because its expected of me.
i realized,'being nice' isn gonna cut it! they just get the cue that they can walk over you.
the more i followed this the more i realized how genuinly i DID want to do things.other times..id just withdraw into my room.or go out.and not be available till evening.
oh they cribbed and tried lots of underhand tactics..complaing to th husband,throwin tantrums,general bitc*in to other relatives on the phone...
but i just came clean with myself.as in i NO LONGER wanted a reputation,NO LONGER wanted their approval,NO LONGER wanted to be 'nice'.
instead i wanted a genuine interaction away from the usual labels...
hey?talk to me as an equal,not as a person who your son has married to do your bidding.
another underlying msg was 'you have to be more than just a mother in law to earn my love and respect'
if you dont have the tradition of personal space..well i do.and id go completely crazy if i din get my bit.
earlier ,any family function ,it wass a given that we wud attend.evvvvvvry dang function!!!
and i ,wanting to be good,wud toe the line.
(btw i hate goin to these)..
later..shed say..'we gotta go to so n sos do'
n i started excusing myself.unashamedly using excuses.
grumble grumble grumble..'u don care..etc etc.'
n then id jump in with...ohh you rrrrreallly think so?is this a kind of proof that i DO care?
which wud start a very rewarding line of discussion.
but if she'd get too emotional or tantrummy id jus..withdraw but not step away from my personal rule..any action-to be followed only if i want to do it.
so id continue to care for them as if nothing happened.smilin n laughin n jus pullin em..
as a result an invisible but yet soft boundary developed.with them knowing that i 'genuinely' care.without the frills.and a kind of grudging respect that i am an individual who has her own way of living life.
things changed when i realized i want to be "good"