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ThoughtAddict · 02-19-2009, 04:57 PM

A more complete title would be "If, and how, to apologize when you screwed up and are (mostly) out of the person's life."

If a person has kicked you out of their life for a mistake you made, do you re-enter to apologize? Do you risk re-exposing them to pain in order to express your regret and to try to minimize any lingering pain? Can you separate your desire to rebuild from your desire for their happiness when their happiness may be one without you?

The story:
I had a long and wonderful relationship with a lovely girl. We were friends, companions, or lovers for four years. It was rare I went more than a few days without speaking to her. It was a beautiful relationship, with very little conflict and always positive solutions. She was a constant friend... our e-mails read like poetry and our conversations could go for hours without pause. We experienced a lot of firsts together and supported each other through some hard times.
We broke up after a period of intense romance. It was painful for me. At the time, I could not understand that it was what she needed in life. After binge drinking and destructive activities, I accepted it and moved on. Flash forward a few months (still talking to her fairly often) and I get into a relationship. The new girl doesn't like the friendship I have, and so chokes it off. I let it get choked off. My friend goes to Africa. She sends letters. My girlfriend forbids me to respond, and I obey. When my friend gets back, the girlfriend forbids me to talk to her, and I obey. For roughly a year, I barely communicate with my friend.

This, by the way, is the biggest regret in my life that does not involve someone's death.

I contact my friend just over a year ago, and the conversation goes poorly. She doesn't consider me a friend, since a friend would keep in better contact. She listens to my feeble explanations of the relationship (in hindsight, they were probably a cry for help to get out of the destructive relationship), and rejects them. She yells at me for being a bad friend... a deserved blow that still stings today. She proceeds to request that I not make any attempt to contact her.

I respect her wishes for just over a year, thinking of her often, getting out of the destructive relationship, and regretting the mistakes. Generally, I try to be happy, but occasionally have dreams of her that make me very sad, and make me miss her.
The dreams became more frequent recently. A few days ago, I had a very vivid dream involving her, and I woke up with a smile. In the shower, the regret set in and the smile turned to sadness.
Today, a mutual friend contacted me. He informed me that this friend had dropped off the radar for the past six months. She has leukemia, but she's fighting it and doing well. She's entering her last round of chemo today. I had no clue until today. And the past few hours, I've been crying from worry, regret, and just a general sense that all is not right and that it is truly, entirely, my fault. This friend, who is one of the best people I've met, one of the kindest souls, could have died and I'd have had no clue. I could have died, and she'd have had no clue. Somehow, it just seems very, very wrong. The slowly fading memories of blissful times are running through my head, and I just want to make things right...

I managed to get her contact information. I have the mutual friend who has offered to act as an emissary. But I am far too inexperienced with such a situation to have a clue what I should do.

If re-entering her life would hurt her without providing any kind of happiness or benefit to her, then I'd rather take my regret and continue on my own way.
On the other hand, I want to apologize, and it does not seem wrong to do so. I want her to know that I care even if she wants to never hear from me again. I want her to know that I'm sorry she was ill and am very happy that she's doing well. I want her to know that I'm willing to be a part of her life, or to be entirely absent if she chooses. I want her to know that I'd prefer to have that friendship.
And I'm not sure how separate that is from my desire to have that happy friendship back. There is a desire for the intensity we had before, but I more want to be there for her. To talk about random things that made her smile (there were always a lot of them).

It is a tough situation, and I don't know what to do. Should I keep my distance, approach through an emissary, send a letter or send an e-mail? How would you handle it?

02-19-2009, 04:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
ThoughtAddict Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 727	If, and how, to apologize. A more complete title would be "If, and how, to apologize when you screwed up and are (mostly) out of the person's life." If a person has kicked you out of their life for a mistake you made, do you re-enter to apologize? Do you risk re-exposing them to pain in order to express your regret and to try to minimize any lingering pain? Can you separate your desire to rebuild from your desire for their happiness when their happiness may be one without you? The story: I had a long and wonderful relationship with a lovely girl. We were friends, companions, or lovers for four years. It was rare I went more than a few days without speaking to her. It was a beautiful relationship, with very little conflict and always positive solutions. She was a constant friend... our e-mails read like poetry and our conversations could go for hours without pause. We experienced a lot of firsts together and supported each other through some hard times. We broke up after a period of intense romance. It was painful for me. At the time, I could not understand that it was what she needed in life. After binge drinking and destructive activities, I accepted it and moved on. Flash forward a few months (still talking to her fairly often) and I get into a relationship. The new girl doesn't like the friendship I have, and so chokes it off. I let it get choked off. My friend goes to Africa. She sends letters. My girlfriend forbids me to respond, and I obey. When my friend gets back, the girlfriend forbids me to talk to her, and I obey. For roughly a year, I barely communicate with my friend. This, by the way, is the biggest regret in my life that does not involve someone's death. I contact my friend just over a year ago, and the conversation goes poorly. She doesn't consider me a friend, since a friend would keep in better contact. She listens to my feeble explanations of the relationship (in hindsight, they were probably a cry for help to get out of the destructive relationship), and rejects them. She yells at me for being a bad friend... a deserved blow that still stings today. She proceeds to request that I not make any attempt to contact her. I respect her wishes for just over a year, thinking of her often, getting out of the destructive relationship, and regretting the mistakes. Generally, I try to be happy, but occasionally have dreams of her that make me very sad, and make me miss her. The dreams became more frequent recently. A few days ago, I had a very vivid dream involving her, and I woke up with a smile. In the shower, the regret set in and the smile turned to sadness. Today, a mutual friend contacted me. He informed me that this friend had dropped off the radar for the past six months. She has leukemia, but she's fighting it and doing well. She's entering her last round of chemo today. I had no clue until today. And the past few hours, I've been crying from worry, regret, and just a general sense that all is not right and that it is truly, entirely, my fault. This friend, who is one of the best people I've met, one of the kindest souls, could have died and I'd have had no clue. I could have died, and she'd have had no clue. Somehow, it just seems very, very wrong. The slowly fading memories of blissful times are running through my head, and I just want to make things right... I managed to get her contact information. I have the mutual friend who has offered to act as an emissary. But I am far too inexperienced with such a situation to have a clue what I should do. If re-entering her life would hurt her without providing any kind of happiness or benefit to her, then I'd rather take my regret and continue on my own way. On the other hand, I want to apologize, and it does not seem wrong to do so. I want her to know that I care even if she wants to never hear from me again. I want her to know that I'm sorry she was ill and am very happy that she's doing well. I want her to know that I'm willing to be a part of her life, or to be entirely absent if she chooses. I want her to know that I'd prefer to have that friendship. And I'm not sure how separate that is from my desire to have that happy friendship back. There is a desire for the intensity we had before, but I more want to be there for her. To talk about random things that made her smile (there were always a lot of them). It is a tough situation, and I don't know what to do. Should I keep my distance, approach through an emissary, send a letter or send an e-mail? How would you handle it?