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XDDD · 02-16-2009, 01:59 AM

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the last 7 years.

For this period I’ve been feeling myself slipping away: I hardly ever see any of my friends (the few I have left) and I’ve lost interest in all the things I used to enjoy.

Well, I haven’t really lost interest in them, it’s just that I can’t do them without feeling that I have to explain myself to him for wanting to do them.

I’ve always wanted to travel. Maybe live in different countries. Learn languages. And I don’t. And the very few trips (the longest one lasting a week) I’ve made with friends over the last years have always ended up in lots of fighting and jealousy and a huge cell phone bill.

I have a very intense schedule (I’m double majoring) and the few hours of free time I have on weekdays, I spend them at his house. I think to him it feels like I don’t want to spend that much time with him, but the truth is that everyday I’m at his house watching him do his stuff (build something, fix the computer, eat dinner, play at the computer…) and then I go home and I have to sleep and I don’t have any time for myself. And I need that time for myself. I need to read, and study, and watch films in French and English (I’m Spanish), and think, maybe go for a walk alone or just have dinner with someone other than him... without feeling like I’m stealing time from being with him. He doesn’t get that. So I’ve given it up.

I don’t blame him for any of these things. For a time, I resented him a little. But I’ve learned to accept that giving up on all those things was my fault. I was 16 when I started dating him and at that time giving up on some stuff felt like the adult thing to do… which I guess it is, as long as the other person sees it, and make their own sacrifices too.

I don’t know. I guess I could sum it up by saying he’s a demanding person (he always gets people to do things his way), and I’m a giver (I tend to think what I want is not as important as what others want)… and so he’s demanded, and I’ve given and now I feel like I can’t give anymore and I can’t get anything back. Not after such a long time.

Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great person. He’s nice, and caring, and he loves me and has given me a lot.

But it just seems like he isn’t really interested in knowing/understanding what I’m interested in (I doubt that after all this time he’s even able to tell what my favorite book/author is… let alone tried to read it) and I’ve paid too much attention to his interests to the point of forgetting mine.

A few years ago, when I realized what was happening, I tried to fix things. I tried to start getting some of my time and friends back without pushing him away, but it resulted in fighting, and me feeling like I was being selfish… so instead I decided put my feelings aside and try to make it work.

Which brings us up to the present day. I’m 23 years old and I don’t really know who I am, what I like, who I want to be. And I don’t want the rest of my life to be ruled out by the patterns we’ve established in our relationship and our lives. What’s more, I don’t really want to fix those patterns anymore. I’m way too tired to try. I love my boyfriend, I really do. But I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. And I need to love myself a little bit more than I love him.

Still, I don’t want to hurt him. I know that a painless breakup is not going to be possible, but he doesn’t know what’s been going on in my head all this time. And he has no clue that I want to break up. How do you go from saying I love you 10 times a day to breaking up with someone?
I can’t explain all this to him because no matter what I say, no matter how well I try to explain it to him, he will think he’s to blame. And he isn’t. It’s just a big mess: a chain of mistakes from both of us that has lead us to a point where it isn’t working anymore.

How do I do it? How do I break up with him without making him feel like he’s to blame? How do I break up with someone who doesn’t know up to what extent their relationship isn’t working?

I know breaking up is the right thing to do. For both of us (we hardly talk -we spend most of the time watching tv/films, or me watching him do things, but we don’t really talk- and when we do we end up fighting, we don't have any common interests...). But I can’t do it out of the blue. I can’t hurt him that much.

Any advice? (Thanks in advice)

02-16-2009, 01:59 AM	#1 (permalink)
XDDD Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6	Breaking up advice I’ve been with my boyfriend for the last 7 years. For this period I’ve been feeling myself slipping away: I hardly ever see any of my friends (the few I have left) and I’ve lost interest in all the things I used to enjoy. Well, I haven’t really lost interest in them, it’s just that I can’t do them without feeling that I have to explain myself to him for wanting to do them. I’ve always wanted to travel. Maybe live in different countries. Learn languages. And I don’t. And the very few trips (the longest one lasting a week) I’ve made with friends over the last years have always ended up in lots of fighting and jealousy and a huge cell phone bill. I have a very intense schedule (I’m double majoring) and the few hours of free time I have on weekdays, I spend them at his house. I think to him it feels like I don’t want to spend that much time with him, but the truth is that everyday I’m at his house watching him do his stuff (build something, fix the computer, eat dinner, play at the computer…) and then I go home and I have to sleep and I don’t have any time for myself. And I need that time for myself. I need to read, and study, and watch films in French and English (I’m Spanish), and think, maybe go for a walk alone or just have dinner with someone other than him... without feeling like I’m stealing time from being with him. He doesn’t get that. So I’ve given it up. I don’t blame him for any of these things. For a time, I resented him a little. But I’ve learned to accept that giving up on all those things was my fault. I was 16 when I started dating him and at that time giving up on some stuff felt like the adult thing to do… which I guess it is, as long as the other person sees it, and make their own sacrifices too. I don’t know. I guess I could sum it up by saying he’s a demanding person (he always gets people to do things his way), and I’m a giver (I tend to think what I want is not as important as what others want)… and so he’s demanded, and I’ve given and now I feel like I can’t give anymore and I can’t get anything back. Not after such a long time. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great person. He’s nice, and caring, and he loves me and has given me a lot. But it just seems like he isn’t really interested in knowing/understanding what I’m interested in (I doubt that after all this time he’s even able to tell what my favorite book/author is… let alone tried to read it) and I’ve paid too much attention to his interests to the point of forgetting mine. A few years ago, when I realized what was happening, I tried to fix things. I tried to start getting some of my time and friends back without pushing him away, but it resulted in fighting, and me feeling like I was being selfish… so instead I decided put my feelings aside and try to make it work. Which brings us up to the present day. I’m 23 years old and I don’t really know who I am, what I like, who I want to be. And I don’t want the rest of my life to be ruled out by the patterns we’ve established in our relationship and our lives. What’s more, I don’t really want to fix those patterns anymore. I’m way too tired to try. I love my boyfriend, I really do. But I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. And I need to love myself a little bit more than I love him. Still, I don’t want to hurt him. I know that a painless breakup is not going to be possible, but he doesn’t know what’s been going on in my head all this time. And he has no clue that I want to break up. How do you go from saying I love you 10 times a day to breaking up with someone? I can’t explain all this to him because no matter what I say, no matter how well I try to explain it to him, he will think he’s to blame. And he isn’t. It’s just a big mess: a chain of mistakes from both of us that has lead us to a point where it isn’t working anymore. How do I do it? How do I break up with him without making him feel like he’s to blame? How do I break up with someone who doesn’t know up to what extent their relationship isn’t working? I know breaking up is the right thing to do. For both of us (we hardly talk -we spend most of the time watching tv/films, or me watching him do things, but we don’t really talk- and when we do we end up fighting, we don't have any common interests...). But I can’t do it out of the blue. I can’t hurt him that much. Any advice? (Thanks in advice)