I`m not sure it`s the right forum but here goes...
I`m in this strange situation and I can`t just figure out what to do. Maybe somebody here could share their thoughts and help me...
My thoughts aren`t very clear at the moment but I`ll just start somewhere and hope I`ll make some sense.
I`m 22 years old, last year in Uni. I`ve got a problem with school. And my mom.
I`m studying philosophy and I really didn`t mind it at first. I could see the plus side of it and it used to be interesting. The problem is that after 2 years, I started hating it. It was too life-distant. I hated all the crazy professors and was scared to death to end up like them
I pushed
myself to continue, just to get the diploma. But I didn`t manage. I took a year off (thought about taking it easy), but tried studying during that time...failed. So the year was a complete waste - I didn`t rest/work and I didn`t study..just an on-going agony.
My mom is one of those people who thinks that you`re a complete failure if you don`t have higher-education. If HER daughter doesn`t have a university diploma, then the daughter is a loser which means that she is also. This is the part that makes me wanna puke. I went to Uni because she wanted it and talked me into it...she said that I don`t have to work in the philosophy field but studying it will give me time to figure out what I really wanna do plus I`ll have a diploma just in case.
When I realized that I don’t want to study it, I told her. We had a long long discussion, which end with both of us crying and screaming….I gave in and tried to continue studying (took the year “off” at that time).
Now, 2 years later (I`ve been in uni for 4 years) I`m in the same situation just a bit deeper in it. I don`t go to school, I`ve failed practically all my classes so far. I don`t work. I`m going crazy. I get panic attacks. I cry. I scream. I just don`t know what to do…
I`ve been hiding it all from her (and from myself too until fall last year).
It`s just such a mess. And I`m so mad at myself for letting this situation get this far.
The worst part is that she pays my bills. All of them. And she throws that at my face sometimes and takes me on a guilt trip. (During that intense argument 2 years ago, we talked about that also and she said that she uses money as an argument because it`s the only thing that will make me listen though..). Despite that I feel like there`s not a single hair on my body that belongs to me. I`m so unmotivated. I realized one night that if I`d be living alone, paying my own bills, living in MY home…then I`d probably go to school and get straight A`s because I´d be worried about my future. Am I complete spoiled brat? I was in grade 9 when I knew this all was coming…I remember thinking “If my parents only would be poor and love me less…I`d be so much more independent and successful”. Silly, isn`t it?
My bf told me that I should graduate DESPITE of my mother. Like graduate and not tell her
It`s all eating me up inside... I don`t know what to do. I`m sure I already said that...
Should I quit and tell my mom ... should I suck it up and continue...should I get a job and be independent....
It`s all so hard because I really love my mom and I hate hurting her. She`s also going through a rough period at the moment and I feel like the last thing she needs is me dropping bad news on her (which I have to anyway actually..one way or another because I`m not graduating this year as she thinks, too many debts. ).