Read up on:
Unschooling
"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn
Those two things have really shaped my parenting philosophy and approach considerably.
One important thing for me is understanding WHY I want my child to comply with my wishes. If it's just about an object (such as having clean walls), then I don't care whether he draws with crayons on the walls... we have lots of crayon marks all over the house. It's just "stuff" and I'd rather encourage his creativity than stifle it.
My 2 yr old is in a "throwing" phase. At first it was really frustrating... he'd grab something I wanted to use and throw it. We'd get upset but not punish him (we don't use a praise / punishment system here since it generally speaking sets really bad precedents for children's mental & emotional development).
Well, recently I had an epiphany. He isn't usually throwing to be mean... he's throwing because he likes what happens - things flying through the air, the thud when it hits the ground... as a little one, being able to exert control in his world is important.
Now, although it takes a LOT more patience... and I mean a LOT...
I just ask him if he'd put it back where it came from. Sometimes he complies immediately, and sometimes it takes longer... as much as 5 minutes of me asking him periodically if he'd return it and/or give it back to me.
But he does... pretty much every time... at some point... he will return it to its proper place (my hand, the cabinet, a bin, the counter, etc).
some parents might not wait 5 minutes for a child to comply. But think about the deeper message being sent -- I respect his autonomy, I consider him a partner, and I'm grateful for his compliance (not expecting, not demanding... grateful).
sometimes he doesn't want to sit in his carseat - and occasionally I have to force him in (if it comes to that), but often times we can just give him something that's interesting enough that he'll sit right down and let us buckle him in.
So a lot of what we do as conscious parents really comes down to two things:
1) Trying to truly understand our child's motives, intentions, and emotions
2) Trying to truly understand our own motives, intentions and emotions
The cross-section of those two is where creative conscious parenting lies for us... as we look for solutions AND growth opportunities.
Not easy. Some days are really challenging... it'd be so easy to punish our son for being "bad." But most of the time he isn't being bad... he's being curious... he's being a kid... maybe he's grumpy from not having a good nap... but heck, I'm all of those things at some time or another and nobody's punishing me... so I don't feel comfortable punishing him knowing that the only reason for punishment is for me to exert control over him.
Punishment is nothing more than an attempt to force a child to comply with our wishes. It doesn't "teach valuable lessons" because it imposes our values onto our children and encourages compliance out of fear, not out of compassion.
There's a lot of research on praise/punishment systems. What I've found for myself is that I'd much rather have our son learn through natural consequence whenever possible.
Some people wouldn't let their kids touch the stove burner. As for me, initially if it was on lower heat settings I'd let him touch and feel it uncomfortably hot but not burning. If it was really hot, I picked him up and brought his hand closer and closer and when he finally was too close for comfort, I said "Hot"
He's only two, but for a few months now he will happily check to see if the burner is hot before playing with it (he likes to play with the un-hot burners).
Natural consequence... tempered with a desire to genuinely protect my son from harm which he doesn't have the wisdom to understand.
When we cross the street, he often did not want to comply. I obviously didn't want to encourage situations where he might get hit by a car, but I also didn't want to punish him.
So sometimes I just put him in a baby carrier and it's a non-issue.
Sometimes we walk, and I give him a choice... either hold my hand, or I'll pick him up. There's no direct punishment... no spanking him or threatening to not go if he doesn't comply. I give him the choice.... even if it is the lesser of two evils in his eyes.
And the result is that sometimes he wants me to pick him up, and sometimes he wants me to hold his hand... but he has learned to wait (at least most of the time) for me before entering the street.
The lessons go on and on... every day. But most of it is me trying to figure out how to respect his desire and need to develop autonomy and creating a "yes" environment as much as possible.
Not always easy... but very rewarding for all of us.
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