Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Broke my wife's heart and I have to one more time...

zentiggr · 01-28-2009, 05:41 PM

My wife and I have known each other for eleven years, have been married for 6 1/2. In most ways, we are great for each other, and have lots of fun whenever 'issues' aren't rearing their heads.

We came into our relationship with issues, and we knew it. She had felt betrayed badly before we met, and we talked about her need for me to be honest and clear with her, and that we could work out anything else. She also had developed an anger reaction to things that threatened what stability she could feel.

I came into this with the (mostly unconscious at the time) belief that if I failed in anything, it would cause huge backlashes and easily be the end of the relationship... (failed attempt years ago to hold divorcing parents together, is it that obvious?) so of course I hide things the best I can, and try to make them go away, no matter how badly things get broken, because "my only hope is to just clear it up and have it never cause a ripple".

I have now hurt her deeply, failing to live up to that one basic agreement, many times. We have gone on, and I've built up the guilt and shame at not being able to break this pattern in myself. I just recently caused the worst situation we've ever dealt with, again over questions of honesty and hidden financial damage I've caused.

I know I've only had her blind faith that 'maybe I'll change and I'll get past this behavior' and have leaned on that and our deep love for each other to get us through each crisis... and we're still here now, not great, but trying to heal.

I have the courage now to face the last of the things I've been too ashamed, too guilty about, that I haven't told her, and that's the crux of things... I have a short but potent list of both personal and financial things that I feel, if I tell her these things now, it may well be the last 'last straw'. But if I don't tell her, I'm just being the same me still and leaving things hidden.

I'm trying to face the reality that my attempt to finally come clean and try to show somehow that I am serious about behaving better... may just be the end of our relationship, given all the past and very recent heartbreaks. I want to step up and finally be truly honest with her. I'm just very afraid that there's no good way anymore, that it may be too late, the hole too deep.
I have to do this anyway... and accept whatever she feels.

Anyway, thanks for listening, and letting me get this out so I can see how I feel too.

01-28-2009, 05:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
zentiggr Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 6	Broke my wife's heart and I have to one more time... My wife and I have known each other for eleven years, have been married for 6 1/2. In most ways, we are great for each other, and have lots of fun whenever 'issues' aren't rearing their heads. We came into our relationship with issues, and we knew it. She had felt betrayed badly before we met, and we talked about her need for me to be honest and clear with her, and that we could work out anything else. She also had developed an anger reaction to things that threatened what stability she could feel. I came into this with the (mostly unconscious at the time) belief that if I failed in anything, it would cause huge backlashes and easily be the end of the relationship... (failed attempt years ago to hold divorcing parents together, is it that obvious?) so of course I hide things the best I can, and try to make them go away, no matter how badly things get broken, because "my only hope is to just clear it up and have it never cause a ripple". I have now hurt her deeply, failing to live up to that one basic agreement, many times. We have gone on, and I've built up the guilt and shame at not being able to break this pattern in myself. I just recently caused the worst situation we've ever dealt with, again over questions of honesty and hidden financial damage I've caused. I know I've only had her blind faith that 'maybe I'll change and I'll get past this behavior' and have leaned on that and our deep love for each other to get us through each crisis... and we're still here now, not great, but trying to heal. I have the courage now to face the last of the things I've been too ashamed, too guilty about, that I haven't told her, and that's the crux of things... I have a short but potent list of both personal and financial things that I feel, if I tell her these things now, it may well be the last 'last straw'. But if I don't tell her, I'm just being the same me still and leaving things hidden. I'm trying to face the reality that my attempt to finally come clean and try to show somehow that I am serious about behaving better... may just be the end of our relationship, given all the past and very recent heartbreaks. I want to step up and finally be truly honest with her. I'm just very afraid that there's no good way anymore, that it may be too late, the hole too deep. I have to do this anyway... and accept whatever she feels. Anyway, thanks for listening, and letting me get this out so I can see how I feel too.