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Originally Posted by Parthon  You should listen to this guy, he has lots of great advice. 
Remember, change is slow, nothing happens instantly, and things like therapy take forever. You are broken and need to be fixed. 
Sorry about ragging you out like this Subscreet, but honestly, going to a therapist to solve my problems would be like going to a butcher to become a vegetarian, or going to a bartender for advice on how to quit drinking. They make money by keeping you coming back to them. There are the rare ones that really do solve problems for real and forever, so if you manage to find one, go to them. But I think it's a good idea to drop a therapist when they aren't beneficial to you anymore.
Until you find a new one though, you could spend time being your own therapist. Now, while what happened when you were 2 1/2 could have impacted on you, it would have been compounded in the upteen years since. You spoke of using sex to be in control, to be the master, and you say you still use that tactic on your boyfriend, to get him interested. This whole "not interested" thing is just another layer you've invented on top. I mean you get your boyfriend all interested, and then you shut down. How much more control do you need.
The question to ask yourself though, would be why do you feel like you need to be in control? You mention your father, but I think it's less about the sexual abuse, and more about the emotional and spiritual abuse he put you through. There was never a loving connection between you and he was one to control your life, and perhaps your mother's too. I think it's a case of feeling powerless since you were young, and this control thing allows you to bring some of that power back into your life, but in a destructive way. I'm not sure I'm on the right track here, but am I close? |
Thanks for your thoughts and insight.
The funny thing about psychology and all this insight is that while it is helpful, it isn't enough if there isn't desire and will to change.
I have a BA in psychology and I have analyzed so much of this but at the end of the day, all of that information cannot heal the wounds you know? This is why I have lost a little faith in psychologists and what have you. I have been to so many and I have heard it all, really, and its just the same old stuff.
My therapist told me that I know a lot about my problems and I have a lot of insight. I just need to apply that insight.
I know I want control. I know I want control because of powerlessness in my past. Ok, so where do I go from here, knowing that information? How does that help me? (I am not asking in a mocking way but asking this question to myself)
I wanted to say that my boyfriend and I never had sex, since we are waiting till marriage, but I use my body as a way as seduction.
I just don't know how to let go of this need to be in control.
I am afraid that my past and all the bad things in it will ultimately prevent me from a life of joy, peace, healthy ways of coping and loving.
Hope this answers your question. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me.