Yellow, I appreciate your encouragement and advice. I was feeling down and it cheered me up for a bit. I guess it's hard to stay sad when people have such an optimistic attitude.
Both meeting people and setting and reaching goals are things I have trouble with, but I guess that's a good reason to try them in and of itself.
Lis, I felt like that for most of yesterday. You should feel proud of yourself for going to the gym. I am discovering that it's hard to make myself do anything, not mention something that requires a lot of dedication like working out. I think I'll put forgiveness on hold for now; I'm not really in a place to handle it right now.
She called last night and apologized for hurting me. I thanked her for the apology but told her that I couldn't have her in my life. This may not sound like such a big deal, but I'm proud of myself because I am usually a complete pushover. I know she wants to keep me around as a friend, but at this point it would be a parasitic relationship - she would use me for emotional security, and it would drain me to be just friends with her when I clearly desire more (emotionally, not logically).
Since then I've been in a bit of a downward spiral. The hardest times so far have been nights and mornings. I can't sleep at night because it allows me too much time to think, and whenever I wake up I'm always sad. I skipped class this morning because I couldn't sleep until 2 and I thought that further depriving myself of sleep wouldn't be healthy for my emotional state. I'm not sure if that was a smart choice but I'm having a hard time making logical decisions.
I was really depressed this morning. I want her back, a lot; and yet I know that even if she came back to me I could never take her. This conflict between my desires and my reason is hard for me to deal with. I cried a lot when I woke up. I'm really afraid of depression. I suffered through it a lot in High School, and I've been better since I started college, but the way I'm feeling right now brings back a lot of painful memories.
I take back what I said about not wanting advice. I'm having a very difficult time keeping myself together right now. As thankful as I am to my friends, I feel guilty if I lean on them too much. One of my friends helped me make a crisis plan with some phone numbers I could call if I need someone to talk to, and I'm going to try going to the counseling center on campus even though I haven't had a very positive experience with counseling in the past. Hopefully it will help, and I'm glad I'm finally shedding some tears. It's much better than wanting to cry and not being able to.