[whilton whippers]

Hi all,

I am new to this site and found it looking for help and advice to a problem I have with my parents at the moment.

Here goes with my dilema.......

I am soon to be 36 years old and have lived with my partner for the last 6 years. Prior to that I was married, married at 25 and divorced at 30. I had a huge amount of stress with my parents about my first wedding because we had a civil service in a hotel and not a church wedding even though none of the family are church goers. I lived at home with my parents until my first wedding day. They have always had a strong hold over me (I am an only child) and have always been very critical and demanding. If I don't do things the way they want they are not happy and causw friction and upset.

When I got together with my new partner after divorcing (I was living by myself at the time in my own house) and he moved in they commented on ''how will that make us feel if we don't like him''. Moved on from that problem after weeks of no contact. That is how it has always been with them.

I work for a large UK bank and have always done very well, earning a good salary and progressed to a good level. Mum has never said 'well done'' just resented the money I get paid and said 'it is disgusting all these trips abroad you go on with the Bank (incentive holidays for exceptional performance) it is immoral' . She has also said to a relative that I am a huge disappointment to her.

Both myself and my partner work very hard at work and at home and his two children aged 9 and 11 stay with us every other weekend. We have several holidays a year and mum just comments that my life is all play and nothing else and tells me to grow up and that there is more to life than playing.

She is constantly telling me to have my own children and provide her with grandchildren as they are missing out. I have never been the maternal type as very little contact all my life with young children or babies and it is not something I wish to do at the moment. I know I will soon be 36 but do not want children at the moment, maybe I will change my mind as I get older.

To the current problem....thought the background might help....

A group of 6 of us are going skiing to Calafornia at the beginning of March and whilst we are out there my partner and I have decided to get married. Because it is a second marriage for both of us we only want a small affair with no fuss or hassle (ha ha!!).

I told my mum last night on the phone that we were getting married this year and her first comment was ''why''. Not congratulates just ''why''. Then went on to tell that we were getting married in America and the tyraid started...''trust you, put your mates first we are always bottom of the pile, no consideration for us. Why do you have to do it in America''. Tried to explain about the beautiful location but she wasn't interested and threw it back at me about my first wedding and how all that was wrong because not in a church. She then put the phone down in disgust.

Half hour later dad rings back ''you have really upset us'', ''yes dad and you have upset me''. Dad replied ''come off it this is all your doing what have you got to be upset about just just dont do things in the right way''. I tried responding about how thousands of people go abroad to get married but he just said about being selfish and always doing things my way with no regard for them. By this time I had had enough and said ''for once I am going to do what I want and not be told by you what I should be doing'' and then the phone line went dead again!!

I am now not expecting any contact from them until I give in yet again and phone them.

As always I feel the guilty party and in the wrong and had a sleepless night stressing about it.

Am I the selfish daughter who gives no regards to her parents feelings or are they being unreasonable?

It would be nice to receive an unbiased view on the situation and any help or advice that you can give.

Thanks for reading