What a horrible feeling, Foggy, and I'm so sorry for the pain of that bomb. All those feelings of regret and undeserving and hopelessness just can be overwhelming -- it really does feel like a bomb, doesn't it? Yuck. You are in my heart, and I'm wishing lots of good processing for you with a minimum of pain.
It's funny, I was just writing on another thread that I wouldn't go back and change the painful relationship stuff from my past, because it was integral in leading me to the wonderful, love-drenched life I'm living now. I needed those experiences in a strange way, painful though they were, and as much as I wondered why the hell I had to go through it when I was in the thick of it.
The pain will pass, and you will mine the lessons you learn for gold. One day not too long from now you'll look up in the middle of a workout or a meal or climbing Mt. Everest and you'll notice: "Oh -- I'm completely over that whole thing." You'll have the learnings, and the pain will be in the past.
Best wishes.
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