[belugagirl]

Troque23, thank you for sharing! I'm sure your post helped more than one person, hopefully Trina included.

Trina, I wish I could also help you with my own story, but my change from someone who was constantly preoccupied with my weight and with food to someone who has a laid-back relationship with food and a more realistic attitude toward my appearance was so gradual and involved so many tries and chapters that I can't even remember them all.

There is one major event, though, that I think had the greatest impact. Oddly enough, it was one of the most painful things to ever happen to me. I used to be a musical theater actress and dancer. Never professionally yet, but that's what I wanted and what I studied for in college. So my fantasy was not just being thin, but being thin enough to be a dancer and being pretty enough to get parts.

Then, in my early 20s I had a foot injury that two surgeries could not fix, and dance was over for me. I couldn't even walk in anything but my special rocker shoes without a good deal of pain. Naturally, at first this led to a downward spiral: the pain made me eat, the hopelessness of losing my dream made me eat, and not dancing meant less exercise, which meant gaining weight. I gained 40 pounds, and I was mildly overweight to begin with.

Then I rediscovered the outdoors. My boyfriend (now husband) and I discovered kayaking. I realized that I love some of the moments I have in nature (gliding through the water, feeling the wind in my face on a bicycle, hudding in front of a fire I made, looking at a starry sky far from city lights) as much--maybe even more--than I loved performing. And I enjoy being active in the outdoors even more when I have more energy to burn there. When I'm a little slimmer, I feel more comfortable in my kayak, I can hike further, bike further, and be less tired. My wetsuit fits me better, my body FEELS better. It doesn't matter how I look when I'm camping, and there are very few mirrors around to take stock.

Now the pressure was off! I never HAD to be that perfect body. And I could have my musical theater back, too! I live it in my imagination. I listen to CDs when no one's home. I sing with them. Sometimes I dance with them. For no one. For myself. Once upon a time I would have thought this didn't count because it wasn't "real." But it's real to me in the moment. I can become part of the music, the character, the story in that moment, even in my kitchen.

So even though my foot problem still affects me (I can't even watch people walk barefoot without "feeling" the pain in my big toe, I can't rock climb, which I used to enjoy on a very novice level) it probably saved me. Now, I just have to be slim enough to be healthy. I'm still a little overweight--just above the high end of the healthy range, but now I eat and exercise to FEEL GOOD, not to LOOK GOOD. (I see myself as better-looking now, though, than I did before, probably because I see myself for me, not in comparison to other women I considered "pretty enough" to be actresses and "thin enough" to be dancers.)

So, the things I think might be useful for you are to 1) decide on something you love to do, and 2) see all the ways in which that thing will be even more enjoyable when you are healthy and strong and feeling good, and 3) eat and exercise for how it makes you FEEL--how it makes you healthy and strong--and not how it will make you LOOK.

The pyschotherapy thing would be helpful, too, especially since you report feeling fat even when you were underweight. There's lots of good advice on this thread, and in books, and in people's stories. Trust yourself, pick out the pieces of advice and stories that resonate with you, and cobble together your own plan, find your own path, where you compare yourself only with YOU, not with other people ("society," your sister). Good luck, my friend!