[pyrogen]

I'm 35 but recently have been in this whiny emo teenager state - "I'm a special specialton and there's nobody like me, waaah!!".

I had come very far, and at the moment am in kind of a low place.

In recent times, I've come to feel very, very lonely and like there aren't other people like me.

I had reached a place years ago where there were other people like myself, I even felt like my ex-husband and I were similar people and like my friends andＩwere very similar.

My present partner and I are different as night and day. We have been struggling trying to be on the same page.

We've been struggling trying to get this relationship to work. It usually means I mute my intensity about my stuff, and get into a more day-to-day work-a-day and keep most of my interests, thoughts and reflections to myself.

I told him the other day that I was lonely with him. He totally had a Did Not Get It about being lonely when I talked to him. "But we watched a movie together, took walks and you spent more time with me than you previously did."

In order to spend time together, I did not go to the gym at all this week. At All.

The gym thing is a major disappointment. We joined TOGETHER, and I was hoping we'd have something in common. But he wanted to do twenty minutes a day, go home, and not talk about exercise or fitness any other time than at the gym. I want to do an hour minimum every day there, and when I'm not at the gym I read about techniques, diet, performance, and talk to other people about that.

The movie that we watched together?

A historical epic about something I'm passionate about; he got frustrated and got up and walked up halfway through because it dragged too much. Then he didn't want to talk about the movie At All. [He never wants to talk about the movies.]

I am so lonely right now. I have nobody close to me who shares my interests, who I can see in real life. I unconsciously dropped all of these people to make time for my mate, because the rest of my life (school, work) is so busy.

If I did have my outside interests, it'd take away time from my relationship. We don't have enough in common for me to have my interests and us to still have "us time".

My feelings of isolation and loneliness and being weird are so intensified. It took me a long time to feel ok with myself, and now I don't feel ok with myself anymore.

All my young life, there was me, and all the kids I wasn't friends with because we had nothing in common, and I was the only kid who was interested in every kind of science, history, armchair travel (reading about other countries and cultures) and learning languages. So, I had no friends. Books were my friends. Then I was into rock music like them but I didn't stop there, I wanted to be in a BAND. I learned to swim trying to be like other kids, but then I didn't want to play in the pool, I wanted to swim forty laps a day and I'd still be in the pool after everyone else was gone.

I feel very wrong, very un-okay, and very alien, and sad to the point of barely functioning right now. If I did the things that made me happy I probably would completely alienate my partner. I know I probably should just get off my ass and break up, but there are so many times I fall for it, that I'm the one with the problem. Then I start sinking...

I find myself (even though I'm a very strong believer in LOA) feeling like I don't know if I'll find someone who's ever going to resonate with me, to share my life with. That doesn't matter as much as my own happiness, though. At least if I did not have a partner at all, nobody will keep me from going to the gym an hour and a half, or joining movie clubs where people DISCUSS the movies they watch, or expect me to mute my intensity about the things I like.