I felt very sad when I read your post
so first I am giving you a >hug<
you might like this quote :
"If I regarded my life from the point of view of the pessimist, I should be undone. I should seek in vain for the light that does not visit my eyes and the music that does not ring in my ears. I should beg night and day and never be satisfied. I should sit apart in awful solitude, a prey to fear and despair.
But since I consider it a duty to myself and to others to be happy, I escape a misery worse than any physical deprivation."-Helen Keller
"A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships."-
trust me you are not alone in your thoughts I have had similar thoughts
and they -the thoughts-try their best to bring me down daily
but I read this and I feel lighter
"This being Human is a guest house.
Every moment a new arrival,
a joy, a depression, a meanness.
Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all,
even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of all its furniture.
Still treat each guest honorably,
they many be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
open the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
for each has been sent as a guide from beyond."-Mevlana Celaleddin Rumi