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carenkh · 01-23-2009, 11:32 AM

I believe more than *telling* them how fantastic they are, you must LIVE that they are fantastic. I did NOT receive that message when I was a kid at all, in word or action. My parents were both very disconnected from me, and the only things they said directly to me were criticisms and punishment. This was a different time, and any praise was seen as "spoiling" - they took that to the max!

My kids KNOW how much I care for them and their well-being. I'm a single mom, and have found ways to unschool with them and earn an income, and this is something we talk about a lot - they know this is a choice we've made to give them the life they desire. For example, they're willing to forego a lot of "stuff" in order for me to work less. They know I like to be with them, because I arrange my schedule to spend as much time with them as I can. I take them seriously, and honor their needs and desires. I do not try to coerce or control them.

Consensual Living and radical unschooling has been the biggest help in achieving this. (There is a discussion group at Consensual Living, worth joining!)

I am the grownup - I had my time to do childish things, and focus on ME, so this is THEIR time. Not that I've given up on dreams for myself and following my own path - but they come first, then I work around that to get my needs met. It took a lot of growing on my part to get to this place, but I'm so grateful I have. When I first started unschooling, I would not have said that this would be a fulfilling way to live - but when I look at our amazing, connected life now, and see the people these boys are? Fulfilling, indeed.

So the way to get your kids involved in creating their own best experience of childhood? In my experience and opinion, I say - let THEM create their childhood! Really listen to them, and do what interests them. Get involved in what they're doing! If they love video games, learn how to play, or just BE with them while they play. If they love the outdoors, provide as many opportunities to experience nature as possible. Support THEM and who they ARE - not your idea of who they should be. Don't take every opportunity you have to be away from them - if they're involved in something, don't take that as your cue to get online or clean up: BE with them. Connect with them. You won't need to verbally tell them how awesome they are if you're showing them.

01-23-2009, 11:32 AM	#3 (permalink)
carenkh Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 1,136	I believe more than telling them how fantastic they are, you must LIVE that they are fantastic. I did NOT receive that message when I was a kid at all, in word or action. My parents were both very disconnected from me, and the only things they said directly to me were criticisms and punishment. This was a different time, and any praise was seen as "spoiling" - they took that to the max! My kids KNOW how much I care for them and their well-being. I'm a single mom, and have found ways to unschool with them and earn an income, and this is something we talk about a lot - they know this is a choice we've made to give them the life they desire. For example, they're willing to forego a lot of "stuff" in order for me to work less. They know I like to be with them, because I arrange my schedule to spend as much time with them as I can. I take them seriously, and honor their needs and desires. I do not try to coerce or control them. Consensual Living and radical unschooling has been the biggest help in achieving this. (There is a discussion group at Consensual Living, worth joining!) I am the grownup - I had my time to do childish things, and focus on ME, so this is THEIR time. Not that I've given up on dreams for myself and following my own path - but they come first, then I work around that to get my needs met. It took a lot of growing on my part to get to this place, but I'm so grateful I have. When I first started unschooling, I would not have said that this would be a fulfilling way to live - but when I look at our amazing, connected life now, and see the people these boys are? Fulfilling, indeed. So the way to get your kids involved in creating their own best experience of childhood? In my experience and opinion, I say - let THEM create their childhood! Really listen to them, and do what interests them. Get involved in what they're doing! If they love video games, learn how to play, or just BE with them while they play. If they love the outdoors, provide as many opportunities to experience nature as possible. Support THEM and who they ARE - not your idea of who they should be. Don't take every opportunity you have to be away from them - if they're involved in something, don't take that as your cue to get online or clean up: BE with them. Connect with them. You won't need to verbally tell them how awesome they are if you're showing them.