Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Converting Girl Friends into 'Girlfriends'

jaamkie · 01-15-2009, 04:10 PM

Another girl here who agrees with this advice (though the "count" bit is ridiculous). I've had various friends-with-benefits situations where for whatever reason it was clear from the start that it wasn't going to be a "relationship". OP is exactly right that women's biggest reasons not to have sex are that the guy is going to fall into puppy-love, or that they guy is going to be an ****** and forget about the friendship part and only spend time if he can get some. I've had both happen to me multiple times, and have learned to recognize those guys, and decide from the start if I want to go down one of those paths again.

The first set of guys are the emotionally-unavailable, negative-opinion-of-women guys- the stereotypical jackass pick-up artists. I don't mind sleeping with them, they can be fun/amusing, but one of the important qualities that I'm attracted to is a habit of kindness/openness/generosity. These guys lack that, so I'd never be satisfied to be in a monogamous relationship with them, and I know from the start I can't depend on them. I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm always disappointed, when I get into a more serious relationship and want to stop being physical with them, they tend to become much less available/interested in spending time with me, and then I'm hurt cos all along we have great conversations and they seem like a friend.

Then there are the usually-overweight puppy-love guys, who tend to want to date me at first but never quite admit it, so we end up in a fawning obsessive friendship. Of course I enjoy the attention, am clear with them that I don't think we'll have a relationship, and then sometimes end up messing around with them physically. Somehow the original and continued reminders that I don't want a relationship get overridden by all the good-emotional-and-physical-connection moments, and they start to see me as a potential girlfriend. Eventually I have to be harsh to pop their fantasy-bubble, and they're usually hurt and stop wanting to spend time with me.

Anyway, my point is, if you want the woman as a girlfriend, be honest and go for it from the start, don't let yourself get emotionally attached while she sees you as a friend.

01-15-2009, 04:10 PM	#10 (permalink)
jaamkie Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: USA Posts: 335	Another girl here who agrees with this advice (though the "count" bit is ridiculous). I've had various friends-with-benefits situations where for whatever reason it was clear from the start that it wasn't going to be a "relationship". OP is exactly right that women's biggest reasons not to have sex are that the guy is going to fall into puppy-love, or that they guy is going to be an ****** and forget about the friendship part and only spend time if he can get some. I've had both happen to me multiple times, and have learned to recognize those guys, and decide from the start if I want to go down one of those paths again. The first set of guys are the emotionally-unavailable, negative-opinion-of-women guys- the stereotypical jackass pick-up artists. I don't mind sleeping with them, they can be fun/amusing, but one of the important qualities that I'm attracted to is a habit of kindness/openness/generosity. These guys lack that, so I'd never be satisfied to be in a monogamous relationship with them, and I know from the start I can't depend on them. I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm always disappointed, when I get into a more serious relationship and want to stop being physical with them, they tend to become much less available/interested in spending time with me, and then I'm hurt cos all along we have great conversations and they seem like a friend. Then there are the usually-overweight puppy-love guys, who tend to want to date me at first but never quite admit it, so we end up in a fawning obsessive friendship. Of course I enjoy the attention, am clear with them that I don't think we'll have a relationship, and then sometimes end up messing around with them physically. Somehow the original and continued reminders that I don't want a relationship get overridden by all the good-emotional-and-physical-connection moments, and they start to see me as a potential girlfriend. Eventually I have to be harsh to pop their fantasy-bubble, and they're usually hurt and stop wanting to spend time with me. Anyway, my point is, if you want the woman as a girlfriend, be honest and go for it from the start, don't let yourself get emotionally attached while she sees you as a friend.