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Originally Posted by crescive  Anyways, I know when it boils down to it, it was just his ego being bruised but I wonder if this is something that is extremely sensitive for all guys? If so, why are there some men who are so calm and even willing to "wife-swap" or adapt a swinger or polyamorous lifestyle? Basically I want to know more about the male psyche and their view on sex. Is it a tool for possession? A way of stroking the ego? Is this a sign of immaturity? |
you'd' probably get different answers from different men, as they are individuals with different ideas about this sort of thing. Here's my take. Your pre-set ideas indicate a lack of understanding, or rather a lot of negative assumptions about why a man would be hesitant at the idea of his gf/wife sleeping with other men. Do possession and ego have anything to do with it? Possible. But is this "immaturity" (what does that mean, anyway)? From a purely evo-psych POV, men can never be sure that his wife's child belongs to him (and thus cannot be sure if it's worth dedicating his resources to it/her). That would explain the value of virgins, the shaming of "sluts" and perhaps indirectly the desire to possess a woman's sexuality for himself. He just wants to be sure he's not getting screwed over genetically. Since we are animals built on DNA, obviously this feeling will reverberate through our psyche and effect our behavior, be it consciously or unconsciously. It's best to acknowledge rather than suppress this if we want to be most in control of our lives. Simply writing it off as "immature" to me, sounds like a cop out; a way to deny reality that doesn't suit you. It sounds like you are saying that maturity in a man would be that he denies this part of himself, and abandons his ego. But that's impossible for him to do, and even if it were, it wouldn't be prudent. The ego is there to protect us, and while we shouldn't get too tied down to it in regards to our identity, casting it aside completely leaves us vulnerable to those who stay more invested in their own ego.
Aside from that, your attitude also suggests that you wouldn't accept this male perspective on sexuality as valid (calling it immature) which might mean he senses this and has come to realize you don't accept him for who he really is, but rather who you want him to be. This might manifest in insecure, overly ego invested behavior, whether or not he realizes it. The focus on "better sex" may very well be a cover for something else.
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Anyways, it was life-changing, I was so open to the world and it received me with open arms.
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This sentence gave me pause. Perhaps while the world opened up to you, it remained closed to him. Maybe this was because he couldn't open up, or perhaps he did and the world simply didn't receive him, or flat out rejected him. At the very least it likely didn't receive him the way you were received, based on what you are saying. Generally speaking, a young woman has far more sexual allure than your average young man, for better or worse (you didn't mention your age, but I'm assuming 20's or less likely early 30s). Perhaps you're man simply did not understand this when he initially agreed to go polyamorous. You called him progressive and open minded, so some naivety would make sense on his part. This might also explain why it was so much easier for you to drop the ego and feel more connected to different people, as you were accepted. Men and women are simply not on the same playing field when it comes to dating at a younger age, and I see no indication in your post that you understand this.
In the end I think turning a healthy monogamous relationship poly is like playing with fire. You might burn it beyond repair. Sounds like what happened here.
As far as why some men might be willing to "wife swap" or be swingers, perhaps they see it as a trade off so they too can be polyamorous. If done in a structured setting, it has the chance of being a bit more "fair" to them, and sharing their woman with another man, while maybe not ideal, is not the end of the world, and something they might even learn to enjoy. It doesn't mean they have less ego, just that they feel as if they are loved enough and being taken care of enough that they don't need to put it front and center the way guys might in an unstructured polyamourous setting (which would most likely favor the female).
Again, this is all just my own limited perspective. It may or may not be applicable to you. I doubt you will find it very appealing and may try to deny it, but hey, you asked. ;p