I'm going to propose something that you'll probably find hard to swallow. You don't really want the answers to everything. You're right, there is no "why," not really. Life isn't about answers, or questions, or anything at all really. It just is. If there is no reason to live, how can you find a reason to die?
What you want is not a reason to live, but to not be a slave to reasons. Freedom from the ultimately answerless question of "why." You don't really hate your life, you just think you're supposed to. You're just so convincing that you've deceived yourself. But you know in your heart that suicide is not what you want. You don't want death or answers or questions, you just want to live. There is no how, or why, to live. There is just life and living.
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