[David21]

I wouldn't usually write about my deepest problems in such a way but today I'm feeling really down. I also don't like to because things are really complicated and writing them down in something less than a book is hard.

For a while now I have been depressed. Most recently I have been feeling it for a number of reasons. For one, I don't like living in a world where nothing can be known for sure, where reality is always up for debate. I dream of a world where things are known for sure. Two, I don't know where my life is going. I've spent the last four years working towards a degree in psychology and now I'm doing it, I'm no more happy than I've ever been. Every morning I wake up and I don't know why I'm here. I have no motivation to do work because it seems so senseless if nothing can really be known. For the first time in my life I have people around me I can call 'friends' but yet I'm still unhappy - everything in my life is still a task, still a chore. I just don't like life and it's getting me down. I don't enjoy the days, I don't find contentment/satisfaction in anything and I know therapy wont help as I've done that. I've had depression for years. It started for something entirely different and now it lives for reasons I'm too sure of.

I try and ask for help from the other side but I never seem to get it no matter how much I ask. Heck, I don't even know if there is such thing as 'help on the other side'! For quite a few months now I have wondered whether the silence is deliberate as a way of helping me to 'wake up', if that makes sense?

Things are more complicated and probably more painful than I am able to convey on here but suicide has really come into my mind. I was thinking of buying a pub-sized bottle of alcohol and drinking it all to see if I actually wake up. I've done it before and unfortunately I did wake up (covered in my own vomit, mind you) but I woke up. I keep on thinking maybe this time I'll not wake up. Even when my course first started and I was relatively optimistic about things I remember a time when I was sitting at a station when, as a train approached, I thought: 'why don't you try jumping out in front of that train'!

Do you know what the real ba**ard of this situation is? I know that if I died I'd see the whole situation from an enlightened perspective and things wont seem so bad and thus I may regret killing myself by which time it would be too late. I just feel so bad. I just wish things were easier.