Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post

Pace · 01-11-2009, 07:44 PM

Maja,

That's a tough situation. I've been in that situation from both sides, and it can be very tricky. Poly people often call that state "NRE" for New Relationship Energy. It's that walking on air, spark in your eye feeling that you described. If you're in an established relationship and then your partner suddenly gets NRE for someone else, it can definitely bring up feelings of jealousy, envy, fear, and insecurity. Why is my partner acting this way with The Other Person but not with me? Is The Other Person better than me? Do they love The Other Person more than me?

In my experience, it's a very different situation depending on the strength, security, and open communication in the existing relationship. If there are potential troubles or insecurities, a new lover will definitely bring them up. If the existing relationship is not very solid or stable, the fear and insecurity might be valid. Your partner might indeed leave you for The Other Person, or they might indeed prefer The Other Person to you, not just right now, but in the future, too. It can be very frightening. I've been in that situation. I've been the one who was left, and the one who left. When my girlfriend started dating someone else and eventually left me for The Other Person, at first I felt bitter and angry. But after some time passed, now I'm happy that she's happy. I love her and I want her to be happy, and if she's more compatible with The Other Person than with me, then that's what's best for her and I want the best for her.

In other relationships, though, it's been completely different because we were in a committed partnership. If my partner and I are committed to each other and have a very strong and secure relationship, I don't have the fear, anxiety, and insecurity that I would otherwise have. Well, I still do, but only for a little while. We talk about it, my partner gives me reassurance, and it's all good. If I feel like my needs aren't being met, for instance my partner is now spending all their time with The Other Person, then we'll talk about it. I'll talk about my feelings, we'll each talk about our wants and needs, and we'll work it out.

So I guess my answer to your question is... it can be very tough, but if you're in a secure, stable relationship it can work out just fine with enough love, openness, and communication.

01-11-2009, 07:44 PM	#13 (permalink)
Pace Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Austin, Texas Posts: 67	Maja, That's a tough situation. I've been in that situation from both sides, and it can be very tricky. Poly people often call that state "NRE" for New Relationship Energy. It's that walking on air, spark in your eye feeling that you described. If you're in an established relationship and then your partner suddenly gets NRE for someone else, it can definitely bring up feelings of jealousy, envy, fear, and insecurity. Why is my partner acting this way with The Other Person but not with me? Is The Other Person better than me? Do they love The Other Person more than me? In my experience, it's a very different situation depending on the strength, security, and open communication in the existing relationship. If there are potential troubles or insecurities, a new lover will definitely bring them up. If the existing relationship is not very solid or stable, the fear and insecurity might be valid. Your partner might indeed leave you for The Other Person, or they might indeed prefer The Other Person to you, not just right now, but in the future, too. It can be very frightening. I've been in that situation. I've been the one who was left, and the one who left. When my girlfriend started dating someone else and eventually left me for The Other Person, at first I felt bitter and angry. But after some time passed, now I'm happy that she's happy. I love her and I want her to be happy, and if she's more compatible with The Other Person than with me, then that's what's best for her and I want the best for her. In other relationships, though, it's been completely different because we were in a committed partnership. If my partner and I are committed to each other and have a very strong and secure relationship, I don't have the fear, anxiety, and insecurity that I would otherwise have. Well, I still do, but only for a little while. We talk about it, my partner gives me reassurance, and it's all good. If I feel like my needs aren't being met, for instance my partner is now spending all their time with The Other Person, then we'll talk about it. I'll talk about my feelings, we'll each talk about our wants and needs, and we'll work it out. So I guess my answer to your question is... it can be very tough, but if you're in a secure, stable relationship it can work out just fine with enough love, openness, and communication.