[straysweeper]

I've crossed a line into the sand and said no more. I will stop things here and now. I will not be pushed backwards anymore. More than that, I will begin to pull, climb, and drag myself to the life I want never giving up till I reach the peak that I'm after.

I've returned to Oklahoma to begin my regrouping and rebuilding. I figure here I can make an income, while controlling my expenses better than Vegas. Had I stayed 200 or more a week would be put into weekly housing. Here that money can go to better use.

I put myself further into debt, risking scrutiny from family and friends, buy taking advantage of the banking system. As I didnt' have the money for an airline ticket, I charged it to a debit card whom I know it is going to overdrawn. However, I knew this was potentially a mistake, but I felt doing nothing and waiting would be worse. I also did another thing. I promised myself that I wouldn't fall back into old negative habits. I promised that the first thing I'd do after getting back was apply at 7 eleven. I know this is counter intuitive as I've ready Steve's articles on not getting a job. But I felt it was the right thing to do to show that I'm serious about it. I'm not in complete aliagnment with this line of work, but having an income and supporting myself is better than leaching off of others. Plus, there is a saying. Leaders do what Losers won't. For the longest time I've told myself not to go backwards and do a job I've already done. However, that was from a position of strength versus weakness. Now I need to build back up to that level. To achieve this, I almost immediately went to apply once getting off the plane. Now this may not sound like much, but I had 15 hours longer on layovers than I had thought due to missing a plane. My mom and dad both thought it would be better to wait till Monday. I knew I had to try, and at least keep my promise to myself. Turns out, I was right. I filled out the application and got interviewed. Weather or not it works out at this point has less to do with me. Or does it? I just had a thought, that the hiring decision is made by the district manager. Perhaps I can give him a call early Monday morning, helping to p resell myself, so that he knows to look for my application.

But now the challenge to my story. The checking account used was a joint account with my mom set up over 8 years ago when I was 17. She used it for many years with only returning it to me recently. And she found out about the account being overdrawn, and took it as a sign of me walking all over her. She then crashed emotionally taking everything personal. Even to the point of telling me to call my sister and stay with her instead. I stood my ground and spoke passionately for probably an hour about how things had to end. As anyone who has probably spoken with an emotional woman, It had little to no effect upfront. I'm currently in lag time, only hoping that my mom will come down. I really don't know how to speak with her, and after lengthy conversation with my dad. I've come to conclude that my moms love is conditional. She has always seemly placed more value on possessions and other people than her children. I could go more into detail and give examples, however that seems unnecessary and excessive. I almost said hope and pray, but no, I will stand my ground and continue on the path I've decided for myself.


As a side note, I must work on curbing my passion with positive emotions as I have been noticing heart palpitations after the increased stress over the past few hours. While focusing on becoming more valuable and adding that value to others.