 The Perceived Value of Women: A 'Survey'
Hello,
Does this story/situation have relevance for any other women (or men) out there?
I have had four serious long-term relationships with marriage potential in my twenties. They are all wonderful men, each with unique challenges. Each relationship was different.
The first man had loyalty issues justified by spiritual views. The second (my 'soul mate') lost his business, became an artist (more power to him) and left while I was way overmedicated suffering from a serious respratory infection, and thus in fear, demanding commitment. The third had loyalty issues which resolved but by that time my initial infatuation had faded. We never really got to 'fall in love'. He and I had the most in common, regarding interests and life-goals. I left him after realizing he was mentally abusive. The fourth is/was an age-gap relationship with a man who is deeply loving, funny, generous, smart, and reflective, but has other priorities, rather than emotional bonds with a partner at this time.
They're all different, right? They were all madly 'in love' with me when we first met. What did I do wrong? At the time, each of these men meant the world to me, they were my only love, destined to be with forever, people I would do anything for.
Finally, in despair, I asked someone "what's my pattern...!" She said something unusual.... she said 'women give themselves to men far, far to quickly'. She talked about courting, in an old fashioned way, to improve the perceived 'value' of the woman in the man's eyes. Both people should really have to work to get to know another, so that they value the bond they share...
...think of youth culture, the current trend of 'hooking up', female depression... think of men and woman in the workplace, skirt v.s. pant-suit... attention getting... wage descrepancy, percieved value...
I started to think about this, and yes, the longer it took, the better I was treated in that relationship. My eharmony guy initiated things a few days after we met in person. We were friends on-line for three months first and he was the only one who ever activly persued marriage, yet he turned out abusive. The age-gap guy, well it was two weeks after we met. His withdrawl started after he realized I was emotionally attached to him, after 4 months of being together. The one who was my 'soul-mate' with three good years together? It took a few months of spending time in person before we were together.
Neurochemically, maybe waiting gets the friendship and oxytocin link going before the sex-crazed dopamine can kick in? lol.
There is the idea that sexual revolution in the 60's took away a woman's power, and devalued the sacred nature of the female energy. I'm talking about a tantric, wiccan, or goddess-like idea of power. However, women are wired with a hormone that is triggered through sex and orgasm, this commitment hormone says 'I want you and only you to be my love and provider forever'. We can't escape the deep emotional attachment that physical intimacy causes. We can't escape giving our love, soul and emotional energy to the man we love but we can delay it's giving so that we are perceived as worth 'trying' for...
This new idea has just shaken my entire world view and I really want to know if other women (and men) have found it to be true. Guys, does wait-time increase a woman's percieved value as a person? Does it change how you view her as potential future wife?
I always thought this was a silly, cultural myth... not now...
All I know is this idea of 'protecting myself' feels deeply right at this point in time. Relationships should be sacred for all people...
What are other opinions about this? Survey anyone?
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