[troque23]

Trina,

Warning: this is a long post but having recovered from an eating disorder myself, I'm hoping my experience will help at least one person out there.

I think your food and body issues are all too common for women, and it usually begins at an impressionable age, as it did with me.

I personally suffered from an eating disorder during my high school and college years. I was a bulimic, binge eater, I had low self-esteem, and I really hated my body. I was not necessarily overweight, maybe at most I had the freshman 20-30 lbs. However, that didn't matter - my own self-image was not a good one.

I can tell you that those years were hell, but I was determined not to go through the rest of my life in that hell. I can also tell you that recovering from that eating disorder was what led me to personal development. Because, ultimately, I had to face myself in order to recover - there's nothing like facing your demons to develop yourself further.

Now, what worked for me may not work for you. I can tell you that the 12-step recovery program did not work for me. I tried, but I didn't want to depend on someone else to talk me out of overeating. (I have an independent nature so Overeaters Anonymous was tough for me.)

What really helped me was to journal. I wrote in my journal to hear the thoughts that I was telling myself, the honest, unfiltered thoughts - the bad, the ugly, the fat, the brutal thoughts. I began with that. Then I began to change the words to kind, loving words - even if I didn't believe them at the time. Fake it 'til you make it.

I also stopped looking at the scale. I threw out clothes that didn't fit me. I still binged - but afterwards I would write about what I felt while I binged - all the thoughts that went through my head and afterwards. Then I began to notice the patterns, the emotional crutch that food symbolized for me. Whenever I felt the urge to binge, I would go to my journal first and write, then if I still felt the urge, I would eat. But then I would write. This really conditioned me to listen to not only what the thoughts were that went through my head but also allowed me the opportunity to make the choice to not binge. If I still felt like binging, it meant that I had not sorted out the emotions that were causing me to feel that way. And sometimes I would keep writing, sometimes I would go to the fridge. But eventually, my journaling began to replace the binging. And eventually, I learned to listen to my body. This was part of the process of listening to myself. I began to learn what the feeling of physical hunger felt like again.

Another key to my recovery was the outdoors. I had always lived in an urban environment as a youth and when I finally went to college in a semi-rural area, I discovered how much I loved fresh air, trees, and open sky. I began to take my journals into the nature preserve of my college. To this day, hiking, camping, and other outdoor activities continue to feed me in a way that food never can. Needless to say, this became my daily exercise. Heck, I don't even think of it as exercise. I think of it as food for my spirit and soul.

Trina, this was a long and gradual process. This did not happen overnight and I had many setbacks, but I kept at it. It has been over ten years since I had these issues. I've remained the same weight and size for the last 10 years.

I suggest starting with being honest with yourself. Be brutally honest, but kind. Be patient. Be persistent. Be your own best friend. Because ultimately, YOU are the only one who can really answer your own questions.

Sending you much love and kindness,
Trish

(Trina, feel free to email me off-line if I can offer you further encouragement and support.)