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Originally Posted by LordSappington  I'm 26 years old, and I totally here you. As you get older, it gets much, much harder to make friends. People get married and stop talking to their single friends, and people form these tight-knit cliques that are difficult to break into.
While I don't have all the answers, I can share with you what I have learned.
1) It's very hard to make friends at work. Where I work, most people are 20 years older than me or have children. We're just in completely different parts of our lives, and it's just not going to happen. Maybe where you work is different.
2) Craigslist is not as bad as it sounds for meeting people. I've met two pretty decent people on Craigslist, including the one who introduced me to people that ultimately got me invited to my New Years party last night. Yeah, most people there suck, but if you post or reply to strictly platonic and filter people based on how they write, you can find the decent people.
3) Religious organizations are very useful. They tend to be full of young people, and you all share something in common, or at least think you do. I'm not particularly religious, and after much pestering by an old college friend, I showed up, and much to my surprise, I discovered that many other people were not very religious either.
4) You can't make friends sitting at home doing nothing. You have to "get out there." For a long time, no one ever told me what that meant, but I'm beginning to learn.
Firstly, you have to leave the house, but that's not enough. For me, it was surprisingly hard to even get that step over with.
Secondly, you have to go where you'd meet people who could be your friend. For people our age, this often is bars, but not all bars attract the same crowd and some will be much better than others. But to be quite honest, most bars are a crummy place to meet people. You have to get involved in other things. Local "young professional" groups tend to be decent; don't be afraid to show up to a group that you have a marginal interest in and talk to them. In a big city like Boston, there are probably dozens of them, and you could likely go to a 3-4 events a week. People here have suggested meetup.com. I haven't tried it yet, but it looks promising.
Thirdly, you have to go to these events with the proper mindset. You have to be friendly and engaging. You have to have a sincere interest in the other people. But unfortunately, that's not enough.
Finally, you have to be able to bring those people into your life. This involves exchanging phone numbers, suggesting that you meet up, etc.
5) You have to be patient. You're going to fail. A lot. A lot of the places you go will suck, or the people will be nasty, etc. You can't let that drag you down. Once you find good people, you probably won't remember that anyhow.
I've been doing this for two years, with a little success. Not nearly enough as I would like to, but I've met a bunch of people who now know who I am, and I've met their friends, made some new friends, and gone of a few dates. Most importantly, I've been slowly learning how to work crowds and engage people.
Good luck. |
Thanks for the reply....good stuff:
1.) There are actually plenty of people I work with that are my age, but it's a big company, and it can be a little overwhelming, plus I don't really feel like I connect that much with any of the people I work with. I just started my current job, and I don't really feel comfortable there yet, which obviously makes the social aspects harder going.
2.) Were these people of the opposite sex? I can't imagine meeting a guy on CL, and I've tried meeting girls through it, but without much luck. In my general experience with online dating, there's a ton of rejection and very little upside. To be perfectly blunt, there were lots of times when I was kind of terrified of being seen with the people I was with, which I know is an awful thing to say (and for all they know, they felt the same way about me), but it was just how I felt. The girls I've met in real-world settings seem far more normal/attractive/likable/well-adjusted, so I'd obviously prefer to find a way to get to know them better rather than resort to online dating.
3.) I'm probably the least religious person in the world. I'm not zealous or self-righteous about it, but I'd feel dishonest about attending a religious organization, and I'm not really sure I'd get along with the people I met there.
4.) On nights when I wasn't doing anything with friends (which is becoming increasingly common) I've occasionally forced myself to "get out" but it's always proven to be a complete waste of time. I'll force myself to a concert or bar but everyone else who is there is with other people, and I have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to approach another person.
What exactly is a "young professionals" group and what do they do? As for meetup.com, I've heard of it before and I've looked at it before, but it just doesn't seem like something I'd enjoy at all. Generally when I'm in a situation like that with people I don't know I just tend to clam up. I've noticed that I do SO MUCH better in social situations when I'm with at least one or two friends, because it gives me a boost of self-confidence and makes me feel more free to be myself. That being said, I'm willing to try new things, and will look into meetup.com and try to find a group that I can join without hating myself. Your point is well-taken about going into these events being friendly and engaging, though, because that's something I'm not very good about, and definitely something I have to work on.
5.) I try to be patient, but it can definitely be frustrating. One good thing I've read on this forum is to start setting yourself little goals for each day (approach a stranger, strike up a conversation with a cashier, etc.) so that you can feel like you are making some sort of positive progress. That's the most frustrating part for me. I've been trying to fix this problem for so long and haven't really felt like I've made any progress at all, which obviously leads to some depressing thoughts.
One question I have is: do you genuinely like the people you've made friends with? That's one of my main fears...having to settle for friends/girlfriends I don't think particularly high of just because I have nothing better to do.