Lots of good responses here. This post will have to be a long one to address things.
First, I've decided to be myself and not play any "hard to get" thirty day trials. If there is anything that I am learning about myself, it's that I am only happy when I am completely honest with myself and others about what I think and feel.
The guy and I had an open talk about his push-pull behaviors, and he explained to me that this is basically the way he is, not because he enjoys the game of being hard to get, but because of his intensity. He's intense, and then he pulls back. He'll talk to me for 9 hours straight on the phone (no exaggeration) and then he'll lay low for a few days. The odd thing about it is that my best friend -- who dated me for a long time -- said that I am exactly the same way. I just didn't recognize the behavior in myself. Dating this guy is like looking in a mirror -- a totally objective mirror that pulls no punches.
I read
the article mentioned by a couple of people, and there is one question that we have a problem with right now. We're not getting our needs met by seeing each other as often as we like. He lives about 60 miles away by car, and we are both having problems financially. It's hard to find the time and money to see each other, even when we meet somewhere in the middle, go dutch to inexpensive places, and other things like that. Plus, we're both stingy as hell! :-) I have a feeling, however, that this issue is temporary, that one or both of us will find a new job and figure out how to move closer to the other. It will just take a little time, and I am willing to wait.
I really like Angela's questions, because she's very efficient in nailing the issue right on the head:
Quote:
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What is your heart's desire in romantic relationship?
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My heart's desire is to find my swan. I've personally never found polyamory appealing (sorry, Steve!), although I can see how others would find it that way. My parents have this wonderful monogamous relationship, and for a while I thought I wanted
exactly what they had. It took some time to figure out that in a lot of ways I am nothing like my parents, so I will never have
exactly that. But I want what they have in essence, which is a partner who loves and understands me completely and wants to be with me for the rest of his life, no questions asked.
Strangely enough, I feel in my heart that this guy is the one. It is the most unusual thing, but I have been involved with several men in my life, and I have talked to many people in my life, but none of them *get* me like this guy does. We are a huge cliche, but nothing is cliche when it happens to you. We finish each other's thoughts aloud. We can predict many of each other's actions and intentions with startling accuracy, not because we know each other so well, but because we ask ourselves, "What would
I do in this situation and why?" and be right. I can be -- have to be -- completely honest with this guy. I've realized since my initial post that I can't lie to him or hide anything from him even if I try. First, he'd know I would be doing so; and second, lying to him is like lying to myself, and around him there is no need to lie to anyone. So, this 30-day hard-to-get trial would have failed before it even started.
You know, the weirdest thing is that I initially didn't think this guy was right for me. He doesn't live close by, he's more Republican and I'm more Democrat, he doesn't have money and neither do I. He's going through a messy child-custody battle with no end in sight. It's all wrong, yet it's so right. I wish I could explain it. My mind is eager to find something wrong with him, and my gut is telling me that I'm crazy to date someone so much like me. But my heart? When I calm down my mind and my gut, I know that my heart is wise. I just hope in time that everything will permanently fall into alignment and that my anxiety will go away completely. Any advice on that?