Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - my boyfriend is significantly wealthier than I

jaamkie · 12-31-2008, 01:50 AM

There's definitely more than one dynamic going on, often only tangentially relevant to the current relationship, which is why money-relationship issues can be so confusing and prone to misunderstanding.

I've been thinking about this from the opposite perspective recently- great boyfriend, about the same income as me, neither particularly struggling though not "rich", gave me a more expensive gift than I was expecting, and had been planning to give me another one for my birthday (but I accidentally beat him to it, ordering it for myself yesterday).

I love his generosity and the fact that he doesn't keep count or coercively expect returns on his gifts, that he doesn't treat money as a scarce resource to be hoarded, and he doesn't weight the cost of gifts given and received. Yet at the same time I worry on his behalf that he's spending too much on me, worrying that it doesn't turn into some exploitative unequal relationship- but I don't want to count pennies and demand exact equality either, when money is only one part of overall contributions to the relationship.

I guess I think you need to bring it up with him and have a calm rational discussion with no immediate consequences- ask him over for a meal you cooked to remove bickering over the check for that day at least. Then ask him what he thinks of money and income and spending and gifts and inheritence and taxes etc both in general and wrt relationships. You have to judge if it is a personal thing about not trusting your intentions not wanting to be generous to you, or if it is his upbringing/attitude about money in general. Either way you can't expect to change it, but if you're trying to decide if/how to live with it, it's important to understand where he's coming from and what to expect.

12-31-2008, 01:50 AM	#20 (permalink)
jaamkie Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: USA Posts: 335	There's definitely more than one dynamic going on, often only tangentially relevant to the current relationship, which is why money-relationship issues can be so confusing and prone to misunderstanding. I've been thinking about this from the opposite perspective recently- great boyfriend, about the same income as me, neither particularly struggling though not "rich", gave me a more expensive gift than I was expecting, and had been planning to give me another one for my birthday (but I accidentally beat him to it, ordering it for myself yesterday). I love his generosity and the fact that he doesn't keep count or coercively expect returns on his gifts, that he doesn't treat money as a scarce resource to be hoarded, and he doesn't weight the cost of gifts given and received. Yet at the same time I worry on his behalf that he's spending too much on me, worrying that it doesn't turn into some exploitative unequal relationship- but I don't want to count pennies and demand exact equality either, when money is only one part of overall contributions to the relationship. I guess I think you need to bring it up with him and have a calm rational discussion with no immediate consequences- ask him over for a meal you cooked to remove bickering over the check for that day at least. Then ask him what he thinks of money and income and spending and gifts and inheritence and taxes etc both in general and wrt relationships. You have to judge if it is a personal thing about not trusting your intentions not wanting to be generous to you, or if it is his upbringing/attitude about money in general. Either way you can't expect to change it, but if you're trying to decide if/how to live with it, it's important to understand where he's coming from and what to expect.