[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Let me tell you that it's so amazing to be able to talk about this here, with people I love, who I know have my best interest at heart, who will not sugar coat and who know all the history, know me and won't let me be less than I can.

Originally Posted by Angela

Do you remember how you and I used to talk about how you were actually creating his infidelity, LOA-style, with all your worry that he was cheating on you? It's practically all you thought about. You are so powerful! At that time, you were not so concerned about building a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship, although you were convinced that you were. Mostly, you were totally overtaken by the FEAR of being in a LLTMBR, the fear that you would be abandoned, the fear that you would come face-to-face with your nothingness -- you were diligently looking for evidence that you were nothing. Remember?

I've been trying to forget that, thank you very much

But sincerely, I still feel that way a lot of the time. I still fear it (no matter what I boldly proclaim in other threads about having no fears). I still fear that he will "cheat" again, or is now doing so. I've got to get this under control. Because I did create it and I don't want to do it again.

Originally Posted by Angela

And only now do you get "confirmation" that this thing happened -- NOW, after you have been boldly, courageously, and tirelessly working on uncovering to yourself the infinite joy, love, abundance, freedom, power, and generosity that you generate, regardless of external circumstance. NOW you are standing in success, and you can look back with joy at how far you have come, and be grateful to yourself and also to him for making this journey with you. Remember how crazed you were? And look at yourself now. If you want to go back to being crazed, that's fine, but is that really what will satisfy and fulfill you? Remember how selfish and immature he was, and how far he's come with you? He's now at a point where he's willing to tell you truth about what happened, and if it means you leave, that's fine -- he NEVER would have done that back then, would he? He would have totally manipulated the situation to his benefit, to avoid being abandoned. Now he feels good in your relationship, and he is doing his best to do what's right for himself, for you, and for the relationship.

I was extremely crazed. And there was a time period yesterday when I thought I would become so again and not recover. But he was right that I knew it all along, and I've already been punishing him by not letting it go for TWO YEARS. I don't want to drag this out any further. It feels like a fresh wound, but I really got no new information, only confirmation.

I did thank him for being honest with me. I think I surprised both of us with that one. But I am still going over and over what he said in my head and looking for inconsistencies. Sign that I am not focusing on the right part of this equation.

Originally Posted by Angela

So, what will you do? You have a golden opportunity to find out how generous and loving you can be -- this time from a more advanced perspective. Will you let go of the past, and move forward in a loving relationship? That may mean therapy or something else you need to help build trust again (not that you ever had any ). Will you thank him for being honest with you, and look inside yourself for the truth of how you practically engineered his unfaithfulness? Will you make a commitment to yourself and to him to honoring your relationship as a place of freedom and love, a place where you are both safe to be honest with each other? Will you boldly make requests of him of the actions you want him to take so that you feel safe (e.g., therapy)? Or will you recognize that you're not willing or able to build trust for him, and let him go with love? You could, of course, just meander along in the relationship and hope things get better without taking anything on in yourself -- that would be a valid choice. But I don't think that's what you're up to.

I am on pins and needles.

I want to take on the commitment to myself and to him to work this out. I know that doing nothing will not produce the results I want. I thanked him for his honesty. And I know that I pushed him right into her lips, I may as well have been there cheering them on (while crying of course).

The point I am at is deciding whether I can choose to trust him or whether I should let go. I want to trust him and make it work, but I know that for me is a monumental task. I feel like I could benefit from some type of therapy. But what I don't know is what I ask of him. I don't know what he could do to help me feel safe because it seems from past experience that it's not really based on anything he does anyway. I want to try to figure out what to do when I go home today, not so much a decision to stay or go, but a path of action that assumes I'm staying and what to do next in light of that.

Thank you for helping me.