[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I've got something weighing on me right now that I am hoping I can get some perspective on here.

BF and I have been having a tough time lately and I was getting on his case a lot. He was withdrawing. We were both fairly miserable. Anyway, he went to a family get together with us uncertain of what we'd do next. The next day (which brings us to yesterday) he came home and we began talking about what we would do. In the course of our talking, he admitted something to me that I have suspected for the last two years. There are even old threads here from when the original event took place. He kissed another girl (he says that is all that happened) those two years ago. At the time I knew things were horrible between us and that something like that was most likely going on. I heard rumors. But I never had the confirmation until now.

I just don't know what to do now. On the one hand I'm relieved that he has finally told me himself the truth of what happened. He said that he has been praying for us to be able to work things out and that God had told him that for us to move forward he'd have to tell me the truth and if I left him so be it. He said that at the time I had been always questioning his fidelity, we'd been fighting, not intimate and he just wanted to feel loved and special. The thing is, as much as the thought that this happened has hurt for 2 years, as much as it hurts now having to face that it is true, I don't really blame him. Things were horrible then.

I haven't left. I don't really want to. But right now I don't feel like there is anything he can do to make me trust him now (some of the issues we've been dealing with recently are my continued distrust of him, that stems from my own insecurity and those events I was fairly sure happened two years ago). And there isn't. It has to be a choice I make. He says that he has changed and he doesn't consider that an option anymore when things are hard. And in that I feel he's being sincere because his response to any conflict we have now is to come to me and try to work through it. I can see that he's made changes and is working on himself, but right now I just feel so heartbroken and not good enough. I am not sure what to do now. Can anyone advise me? I guess I just need to know what others have done in a similar situation. I feel like I want him to hurt as much as I do, but I really don't want that. I don't want to stay if I'm just going to keep both of us hurting longer. I want to try to work it out, but I don't know how. I've had a tight pain in my chest, I can't think straight, I cry at intervals, am now having trouble focusing at work so writing to you all instead.

I know you smarties have got something for me. So let me have it.